Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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How Confirmation Hearings Work

On Tuesday, Congress began holding confirmation hearings to evaluate the fitness of President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet nominees for their offices. Here is a step-by-step guide to the confirmation hearing process.

  • STEP 1:

    Prospective nominees are vetted to ensure their history of racially charged remarks has not been videotaped

  • STEP 2:

    Name of nominee is submitted for approval to relevant Senate committees and lobbying firms

  • STEP 3:

    Nominee desperately tries to get parrot to stop repeating “I haven’t paid taxes in decades” before investigators show up

  • STEP 4:

    Each nominee receives a financial evaluation, louse check, and thorough scrub-down prior to standing before a committee

  • STEP 5:

    Nominee is questioned extensively about why they would even choose to accept this position

  • STEP 6:

    Personal references called

  • STEP 7:

    Questionable civil rights record given a pass because 20 years was a long time ago

  • STEP 8:

    Rapid-fire round where senators see how many appointments they can confirm in 60 seconds

  • STEP 9:

    Elizabeth Warren just has a few more questions

  • STEP 10:

    Senators admit nominee seems like a dick but hasn’t done anything explicitly against the law

  • STEP 11:

    The nightmare begins


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