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Politics

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Weird, Area Woman Wasn't Harassed Today

Bewildered paralegal Caitlin Levy says that after returning home from work today, it occurred to her that, oddly, at no point during her day was she harassed, leered at, or made to feel humiliated or physically threatened.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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How Confirmation Hearings Work

On Tuesday, Congress began holding confirmation hearings to evaluate the fitness of President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet nominees for their offices. Here is a step-by-step guide to the confirmation hearing process.

  • STEP 1:

    Prospective nominees are vetted to ensure their history of racially charged remarks has not been videotaped

  • STEP 2:

    Name of nominee is submitted for approval to relevant Senate committees and lobbying firms

  • STEP 3:

    Nominee desperately tries to get parrot to stop repeating “I haven’t paid taxes in decades” before investigators show up

  • STEP 4:

    Each nominee receives a financial evaluation, louse check, and thorough scrub-down prior to standing before a committee

  • STEP 5:

    Nominee is questioned extensively about why they would even choose to accept this position

  • STEP 6:

    Personal references called

  • STEP 7:

    Questionable civil rights record given a pass because 20 years was a long time ago

  • STEP 8:

    Rapid-fire round where senators see how many appointments they can confirm in 60 seconds

  • STEP 9:

    Elizabeth Warren just has a few more questions

  • STEP 10:

    Senators admit nominee seems like a dick but hasn’t done anything explicitly against the law

  • STEP 11:

    The nightmare begins

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