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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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How Confirmation Hearings Work

On Tuesday, Congress began holding confirmation hearings to evaluate the fitness of President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet nominees for their offices. Here is a step-by-step guide to the confirmation hearing process.

  • STEP 1:

    Prospective nominees are vetted to ensure their history of racially charged remarks has not been videotaped

  • STEP 2:

    Name of nominee is submitted for approval to relevant Senate committees and lobbying firms

  • STEP 3:

    Nominee desperately tries to get parrot to stop repeating “I haven’t paid taxes in decades” before investigators show up

  • STEP 4:

    Each nominee receives a financial evaluation, louse check, and thorough scrub-down prior to standing before a committee

  • STEP 5:

    Nominee is questioned extensively about why they would even choose to accept this position

  • STEP 6:

    Personal references called

  • STEP 7:

    Questionable civil rights record given a pass because 20 years was a long time ago

  • STEP 8:

    Rapid-fire round where senators see how many appointments they can confirm in 60 seconds

  • STEP 9:

    Elizabeth Warren just has a few more questions

  • STEP 10:

    Senators admit nominee seems like a dick but hasn’t done anything explicitly against the law

  • STEP 11:

    The nightmare begins

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