adBlockCheck

Politics

Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally.
End Of Section
  • More News

How Confirmation Hearings Work

On Tuesday, Congress began holding confirmation hearings to evaluate the fitness of President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet nominees for their offices. Here is a step-by-step guide to the confirmation hearing process.

  • STEP 1:

    Prospective nominees are vetted to ensure their history of racially charged remarks has not been videotaped

  • STEP 2:

    Name of nominee is submitted for approval to relevant Senate committees and lobbying firms

  • STEP 3:

    Nominee desperately tries to get parrot to stop repeating “I haven’t paid taxes in decades” before investigators show up

  • STEP 4:

    Each nominee receives a financial evaluation, louse check, and thorough scrub-down prior to standing before a committee

  • STEP 5:

    Nominee is questioned extensively about why they would even choose to accept this position

  • STEP 6:

    Personal references called

  • STEP 7:

    Questionable civil rights record given a pass because 20 years was a long time ago

  • STEP 8:

    Rapid-fire round where senators see how many appointments they can confirm in 60 seconds

  • STEP 9:

    Elizabeth Warren just has a few more questions

  • STEP 10:

    Senators admit nominee seems like a dick but hasn’t done anything explicitly against the law

  • STEP 11:

    The nightmare begins

More from this section

Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close