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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.
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How Countries Around The World View The U.S.

As a world leader of industry and influence, the United States has a variable reputation among other countries around the globe. The Onion breaks down how other nations view the U.S.:

  • Great Britain

    Flabbergasted that Americans would allow such an important vote to be hijacked by nation’s most blowhard ultraconservatives

  • Australia

    Doesn’t get to talk to the U.S. as often as it used to, but always really enjoys the chance to catch up

  • Palestine

    Cannot believe some of the places the U.S. is willing to recognize as a state

  • China

    Grateful for the unprecedented employment opportunities only America’s insatiable appetite for tube socks could have provided them

  • Seychelles

    With their beautiful tropical beaches and ideal climate, the people of the Seychelles spend as little time thinking about the U.S. as we do about them

  • Sudan

    Continues to be appalled by citizens who turn the shower on and then walk away for five minutes while it warms up

  • South Korea

    Delighted to produce our inscrutable cartoons

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Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

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