Recent News

How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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How Hurricanes Form

In the midst of a record hurricane season, meteorologists are paying close attention as storms take shape and gather strength. Here’s a step-by-step guide to how hurricanes form.

  • STEP 1

    A tropical disturbance is created when Mneseus, son of Poseidon and reigning King of Atlantis, strikes a deadly blow to a multi-headed hydra by ramming his trident through its heart

  • STEP 2

    Dispatch gets tip about a bunch of shady-looking clouds loitering off the coast of Venezuela

  • STEP 3

    Red arrows on weather chart start going fucking nuts

  • STEP 4

    Tropical storm builds chrysalis around itself and emerges 10 days later as a mature hurricane

  • STEP 5

    Hurricane’s name is selected from a pre-approved list of people who have wronged meteorologists

  • STEP 6

    Channel 7 pulls out the big wind sock

  • STEP 7

    Storm putters around Atlantic ocean before working up courage to go on land

  • STEP 8

    It’s really coming down out there

  • STEP 9

    The arrival of a windbreaker-clad Anderson Cooper signals the storm surge is at its peak

  • STEP 10

    Hurricane suddenly not so tough away from its precious lukewarm ocean water

  • STEP 11

    Hurricane enjoys 1-2 years of being the most powerful ever recorded

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