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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.

Most Anticipated Panels At Comic-Con

San Diego Comic-Con kicks off tomorrow, and this year’s schedule is packed with must-see events. Here are the most highly-anticipated panels of Comic-Con 2017.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.
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How To Recover From An Embarrassing Situation

  • Laugh at yourself very loudly for a few minutes straight even if no one else is, just to prove this isn’t getting to you.

  • Gracefully segue the conversation to someone else’s recent mistakes.

  • A close friend can offer a positive perspective on the situation after you force them to make a blood pact never to tell anyone about it.

  • Take some time to discuss the situation with whichever family members are still returning your calls after that wedding toast.

  • Look on the bright side: Many people would kill for 7 million social media impressions.

  • Shame has no known cure, but to quell its symptoms, watch I’m Sorry Wednesdays at 10/9c on truTV.

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