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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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How Republicans Plan To Repeal And Replace Obamacare

Congressional Republicans have repeatedly stated their intention to repeal and replace the Affordable Care Act soon after Donald Trump takes office. The Onion outlines how that process would work.

  • STEP 1:

    Bring witnesses to congressional hearing to testify about the horrors of being able to afford their cancer treatment

  • STEP 2:

    Obama forced to watch as Mitch McConnell shreds each individual page of the Affordable Care Act in front of him

  • STEP 3:

    Hold press conference to remind Americans we all have to die sometime

  • STEP 4:

    Draft new healthcare bill with, uh, vouchers, maybe? Yeah, vouchers sound good. Put them in there.

  • STEP 5:

    Double-check to make sure there’s no women stuff in there

  • STEP 6:

    Obstruct new healthcare bill a few times purely out of habit

  • STEP 7:

    Do a quick 30,000-page copy edit

  • STEP 8:

    Part where 20 million people lose health insurance

  • STEP 9:

    Republican leaders take celebratory photo with bunch of sick Americans who can no longer afford treatment

  • STEP 10:

    Guy with red lump on thigh guesses he’ll just wait and see

  • STEP 11:

    Paul Ryan goes home and hugs family with firm belief he has done good and important work

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