adBlockCheck

Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
End Of Section
  • More News

How Republicans Plan To Repeal And Replace Obamacare

Congressional Republicans have repeatedly stated their intention to repeal and replace the Affordable Care Act soon after Donald Trump takes office. The Onion outlines how that process would work.

  • STEP 1:

    Bring witnesses to congressional hearing to testify about the horrors of being able to afford their cancer treatment

  • STEP 2:

    Obama forced to watch as Mitch McConnell shreds each individual page of the Affordable Care Act in front of him

  • STEP 3:

    Hold press conference to remind Americans we all have to die sometime

  • STEP 4:

    Draft new healthcare bill with, uh, vouchers, maybe? Yeah, vouchers sound good. Put them in there.

  • STEP 5:

    Double-check to make sure there’s no women stuff in there

  • STEP 6:

    Obstruct new healthcare bill a few times purely out of habit

  • STEP 7:

    Do a quick 30,000-page copy edit

  • STEP 8:

    Part where 20 million people lose health insurance

  • STEP 9:

    Republican leaders take celebratory photo with bunch of sick Americans who can no longer afford treatment

  • STEP 10:

    Guy with red lump on thigh guesses he’ll just wait and see

  • STEP 11:

    Paul Ryan goes home and hugs family with firm belief he has done good and important work

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close