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Politics

Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally.
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How Republicans Plan To Repeal And Replace Obamacare

Congressional Republicans have repeatedly stated their intention to repeal and replace the Affordable Care Act soon after Donald Trump takes office. The Onion outlines how that process would work.

  • STEP 1:

    Bring witnesses to congressional hearing to testify about the horrors of being able to afford their cancer treatment

  • STEP 2:

    Obama forced to watch as Mitch McConnell shreds each individual page of the Affordable Care Act in front of him

  • STEP 3:

    Hold press conference to remind Americans we all have to die sometime

  • STEP 4:

    Draft new healthcare bill with, uh, vouchers, maybe? Yeah, vouchers sound good. Put them in there.

  • STEP 5:

    Double-check to make sure there’s no women stuff in there

  • STEP 6:

    Obstruct new healthcare bill a few times purely out of habit

  • STEP 7:

    Do a quick 30,000-page copy edit

  • STEP 8:

    Part where 20 million people lose health insurance

  • STEP 9:

    Republican leaders take celebratory photo with bunch of sick Americans who can no longer afford treatment

  • STEP 10:

    Guy with red lump on thigh guesses he’ll just wait and see

  • STEP 11:

    Paul Ryan goes home and hugs family with firm belief he has done good and important work

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