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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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How Republicans Plan To Repeal And Replace Obamacare

Congressional Republicans have repeatedly stated their intention to repeal and replace the Affordable Care Act soon after Donald Trump takes office. The Onion outlines how that process would work.

  • STEP 1:

    Bring witnesses to congressional hearing to testify about the horrors of being able to afford their cancer treatment

  • STEP 2:

    Obama forced to watch as Mitch McConnell shreds each individual page of the Affordable Care Act in front of him

  • STEP 3:

    Hold press conference to remind Americans we all have to die sometime

  • STEP 4:

    Draft new healthcare bill with, uh, vouchers, maybe? Yeah, vouchers sound good. Put them in there.

  • STEP 5:

    Double-check to make sure there’s no women stuff in there

  • STEP 6:

    Obstruct new healthcare bill a few times purely out of habit

  • STEP 7:

    Do a quick 30,000-page copy edit

  • STEP 8:

    Part where 20 million people lose health insurance

  • STEP 9:

    Republican leaders take celebratory photo with bunch of sick Americans who can no longer afford treatment

  • STEP 10:

    Guy with red lump on thigh guesses he’ll just wait and see

  • STEP 11:

    Paul Ryan goes home and hugs family with firm belief he has done good and important work

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