After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
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How To Talk To Your Child About The Election Results

Here’s some advice for talking to your child about the shocking outcome of the 2016 presidential election:

  • Children often understand more than we think, so start off by asking them if they have any idea what the fuck is happening.

  • Put their mind at ease by confirming that the results of this election aren’t the end of the world in any strictly literal sense.

  • Don’t be afraid to openly share your wine with them.

  • Avoid touching on any topic that might be distressing to a young child, such as the electoral college.

  • Reassure them that no matter what, the adults in their life will always feel obligated to tell them everything’s going to be all right.

  • Explain that testosterone is a naturally occurring steroid hormone that makes a person more aggressive and reactive.

  • Remind them that one day when they’re older, they’ll understand all of this a lot better and will get to decide for themselves whether or not they should forgive us.

  • Acquaint your daughter with the word “motherfucker” to equip her for what lies ahead.

  • If they have additional questions, direct them to your Twitter feed.

After Birth

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