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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.

Most Anticipated Panels At Comic-Con

San Diego Comic-Con kicks off tomorrow, and this year’s schedule is packed with must-see events. Here are the most highly-anticipated panels of Comic-Con 2017.
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Innovations In Public Transportation

The Chicago “L” began operating 125 years ago today and became the nation’s first rapid transit system. The Onion looks back on some of the most important innovations in the history of public transportation.

  • 980 B.C.

    Mongolian village installs hop-on/hop-off horse to walk up and down main road all day

  • 1897

    Boston constructs the country’s first public subway system in effort to give residents easier access to diseased rodents

  • 1910

    Japan’s first bullet cable car, capable of traveling from downtown Tokyo to the surrounding fishing villages in seconds flat, begins operating

  • 1959

    Disneyland comes under fire after the completion of its monorail system leads to the rapid gentrification of Main Street, U.S.A.

  • 1973

    Budget cuts force New York’s MTA to lay off hundreds of flutists in favor of prerecorded door closing signals

  • 1981

    After decades of stalled progress, signaling-bus-driver-to-stop technology makes seismic leap with the advent of tape you can press

  • 1998

    The introduction of the party bus leads to the decline of gas-guzzling cars with stripper poles and mini fridges in them

  • 2012

    Cousin says you can use some tram system called the FRAN when you come visit

  • 2013

    New apps help users figure out just how fucked their bus ride home is going to be

  • 2017

    Downtown local train dispatched in 1956 arrives at Penn Station

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