Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

  • MYTH: Donald Trump wants to personally see to it that all Muslims are barred from coming into the United States

    FACT: This desire is the collective will of the millions of Americans who voted for him based on this promise

  • MYTH: Americans should be afraid of Muslims

    FACT: Americans should be afraid of golden poison dart frogs

  • MYTH: The word “jihad,” though misunderstood in the West, means an “internal struggle” in pursuit of a goal

    FACT: The word “jihad” means that the news article will require a moderated comments section

  • MYTH: The Catholic Reformation would likely not even have occurred without the Ottoman protection of Martin Luther

    FACT: You’re upsetting your mother. Just drop it.

  • MYTH: “Islam” refers to the religion itself, and “Muslim” is the term for a follower of that religion

    FACT: The terms are interchangeable when screamed outside a courthouse in a cloud of red-faced anger

  • MYTH: The Quran is 90 percent bomb schematics

    FACT: Rush Limbaugh walked back that statement somewhat in a later segment

  • MYTH: Islam explicitly condones violence and aggression

    FACT: Like all other major religions, Islam offers a hopeful message promptly corrupted by a reliable handful of assholes

  • MYTH: Muslims hate America

    FACT: Many Muslims, both immigrants and citizens, love and embrace life in this country, somehow

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