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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

  • MYTH: Donald Trump wants to personally see to it that all Muslims are barred from coming into the United States

    FACT: This desire is the collective will of the millions of Americans who voted for him based on this promise

  • MYTH: Americans should be afraid of Muslims

    FACT: Americans should be afraid of golden poison dart frogs

  • MYTH: The word “jihad,” though misunderstood in the West, means an “internal struggle” in pursuit of a goal

    FACT: The word “jihad” means that the news article will require a moderated comments section

  • MYTH: The Catholic Reformation would likely not even have occurred without the Ottoman protection of Martin Luther

    FACT: You’re upsetting your mother. Just drop it.

  • MYTH: “Islam” refers to the religion itself, and “Muslim” is the term for a follower of that religion

    FACT: The terms are interchangeable when screamed outside a courthouse in a cloud of red-faced anger

  • MYTH: The Quran is 90 percent bomb schematics

    FACT: Rush Limbaugh walked back that statement somewhat in a later segment

  • MYTH: Islam explicitly condones violence and aggression

    FACT: Like all other major religions, Islam offers a hopeful message promptly corrupted by a reliable handful of assholes

  • MYTH: Muslims hate America

    FACT: Many Muslims, both immigrants and citizens, love and embrace life in this country, somehow

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