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Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

  • MYTH: Donald Trump wants to personally see to it that all Muslims are barred from coming into the United States

    FACT: This desire is the collective will of the millions of Americans who voted for him based on this promise

  • MYTH: Americans should be afraid of Muslims

    FACT: Americans should be afraid of golden poison dart frogs

  • MYTH: The word “jihad,” though misunderstood in the West, means an “internal struggle” in pursuit of a goal

    FACT: The word “jihad” means that the news article will require a moderated comments section

  • MYTH: The Catholic Reformation would likely not even have occurred without the Ottoman protection of Martin Luther

    FACT: You’re upsetting your mother. Just drop it.

  • MYTH: “Islam” refers to the religion itself, and “Muslim” is the term for a follower of that religion

    FACT: The terms are interchangeable when screamed outside a courthouse in a cloud of red-faced anger

  • MYTH: The Quran is 90 percent bomb schematics

    FACT: Rush Limbaugh walked back that statement somewhat in a later segment

  • MYTH: Islam explicitly condones violence and aggression

    FACT: Like all other major religions, Islam offers a hopeful message promptly corrupted by a reliable handful of assholes

  • MYTH: Muslims hate America

    FACT: Many Muslims, both immigrants and citizens, love and embrace life in this country, somehow

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

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