After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
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A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

  • Some of the poor ones probably remember using a Walkman

  • Most were only able to smoke in bars and restaurants until the age of 5

  • Just barely able to remember the Cavalese cable car disaster that shook the city of Trento, Italy

  • Spent the last year of high school absolutely whaling on the class of 2023

  • The majority were conceived during The Offspring’s Ixnay On The Hombre tour

  • Don’t know what a CD binder is, but who cares

  • For them, 9/11 was 15 years ago

  • Actually, Matt Damon is just as bankable now as he was when they were born, which is really a testament to a certain film-star quality than cannot be simply manufactured, but must be searched for, gently refined, and then allowed to breathe on its own

  • Most likely won’t actually graduate college until 2022

  • Will always be younger and more vital than you

After Birth

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