Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.

Manager Can’t Remember Why He Came Out To Mound

HOUSTON—Visibly irritated with himself as he paced around the pitcher’s plate after calling for time during the fourth inning of their game against the Washington Nationals, Houston Astros manager A.J. Hinch could not remember why he came out to the mound in the first place, sources confirmed Thursday.
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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

  • 1904

    Dr. Elijah Witherspoon debuts his marvelous “foot-powered skating board” at the St. Louis World’s Fair

  • 1934

    U.S. athletes boycott Games hosted by Nazi Germany

  • 1995

    Organizers decide to stage the Games in Newport, Rhode Island to make use of the state’s extensive sailing parks

  • 1998

    Opening ceremonies feature Tony Hawk igniting the X Games cauldron with a flame-shooting, gasoline-filled Super Soaker

  • 2001

    Danny Harf’s corpse is the first to land a 900-degree spin in wakeboarding

  • 2002

    After intense political pressure, organizers announce they will only use American dirt in motocross events

  • 2004

    Debut of tandem rider BMX event

  • 2006

    Travis Pastrana action figure completes record-setting 15 backflips in one jump before crashing onto the living room floor

  • 2007

    Jake Brown disappoints a record crowd of 150,000 by walking away from a 45-foot fall

  • 2015

    Curren Caples becomes the first skateboarder to win an event while wearing a helmet

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