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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

  • Ebbets Field: It is almost impossible to find an edition of this Brooklyn Dodgers ballpark in perfect condition, as only 250 were ever made.

  • Honus Wagner 1909 Baseball Card: Worth over $2 million, this item is considered one of the rarest and most treasured examples of the dumb shit rich people can afford.

  • 1954-55 NHL Puck: The actual puck used for every NHL game during the 1954-55 season has an estimated worth of over $700,000.

  • Scott Cooper’s 33rd Home Run: The baseball that two-time MLB All-Star and former Red Sox, Cardinals, Royals, and Seibu Lions third baseman Scott Cooper hit for the 33rd and final home run of his MLB career on September 4, 1997 is valued at $59.99, but many baseball historians consider it to be priceless.

  • Rookie Card Swallowed By Michael Jordan: This incredibly rare Fleer Michael Jordan rookie card was swallowed whole by the six-time NBA champion and passed through his entire digestive system, one of only 12 of its kind.

  • Miami Dolphins: The popular NFL franchise was purchased for $1.1 billion in 2008 despite its very poor condition.

  • Boxing Gloves Worn By Little Mac: The former World Video Boxing Association champion’s trademark kelly-green gloves were used to knock out longtime rivals Bald Bull, Mr. Sandman, and King Hippo, and are signed by both Mac and famed trainer Doc Louis.

  • Game-Used Michael Irvin Cocaine Spoon: The sterling-silver spoon was used by the Hall-of-Fame receiver before, during, and immediately after his 114-yard, two-touchdown performance against the Buffalo Bills in Super Bowl XXVII.

  • Vomit-Caked Seat From Veterans Stadium: This original plastic seat from Philadelphia’s longtime baseball and football stadium was vomited on by hundreds of drunk Eagles and Phillies fans from 1971 to 2003.

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