OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

  • The Rob Gronkowski Guide To Jane Austen

    Written by the tight end during the 2013 offseason, this guide has been praised by literary critics as the definitive primer on the Austen oeuvre

  • Derrick Rose Aircasts

    The MVP point guard’s custom line of Adidas Aircasts come in both performance and casual wear

  • George Foreman Grills

    The name of this former boxing champ has adorned this product ever since he claimed both the heavyweight title and Joe Frazier Grills, Inc. from the eponymous fighter

  • Roger Federer’s Cardboard Boxes

    Cementing his reputation as the premier athlete for the world’s high-end clientele, Federer has become the face of the finest cardboard boxes on the market

  • Thundr

    NBA All-Star Russell Westbrook designed this app to locate potential free agent acquisitions within a 10-mile radius of Oklahoma City

  • Flutie Flakes

    Advertisements for quarterback Doug Flutie’s cereal encouraged young children to eat these flakes every morning if they hoped to one day grow up to be 5’10” and 175 lbs

  • Kawhi Leonard Microprocessors By Intel

    Leonard agreed to lend his name to the chip after the circuitry powered him to a 2014 NBA Finals MVP

  • Manute Bol Ceiling Pads

    These discreet padded strips are guaranteed to reduce head contusions in the homes of those over 7’5”

  • Cal Ripken Gourmet Burgers

    To honor his record consecutive games streak, Ripken has challenged customers to eat his frozen black angus burgers 2,632 days in a row

  • Mike Tyson Press

    A small literary organization based in Tyson’s hometown of Brooklyn that strives to publish the fiction of underrepresented boxers

  • Michael Jordan Steakhouse

    The Chicago restaurant nearly folded upon opening thanks to the namesake’s vicious browbeating of maitre d’s, sous chefs, and busboys as soft and weak

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