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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Obamacare Vs. The GOP’s New Health Plan

Key
  • O Obamacare
  • G GOP’s Plan
  • INDIVIDUAL MANDATE:
    • O

      Those who don’t obtain health insurance are penalized

    • G

      Those who don’t obtain impeccable health are penalized

  • PREEXISTING CONDITIONS:
    • O

      Americans covered regardless of preexisting conditions

    • G

      Insurers no longer forced to cover Americans stricken with condition of poverty

  • PERMITS INSURANCE COMPANIES TO FUCK AMERICANS OVER:
    • O

      Yes

    • G

      Yes

  • HEALTH SAVINGS ACCOUNTS:
    • O

      Allows individuals to deposit up to $3,400 and families up to $6,750 into tax-free health savings account

    • G

      Every savings account now a health savings account

  • AVERAGE COST OF HOSPITAL VISIT:
    • O

      Devastating

    • G

      Ruinous

  • BEST UNDERSTOOD VIA SERIES OF SIDE-BY-SIDE BULLET POINT COMPARISONS:
    • O

      Yeah

    • G

      Of course

  • OBJECTIVE:
    • O

      Relieve patients of high healthcare costs

    • G

      Relieve insurance companies of high healthcare costs

  • COVERAGE OF CHILDREN:
    • O

      Creates unacceptable culture of entitlement by allowing children to stay on parents’ plan until age of 26

    • G

      Unchanged

  • FREEZING BODY TO BE THAWED OUT AND REVIVED BY FUTURE GENERATIONS:
    • O

      Not covered

    • G

      Not covered

  • ASSOCIATION WITH DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENT THAT PREVENTS REPUBLICANS FROM SUPPORTING LAW:
    • O

      Yes

    • G

      Nope!

  • OVERALL EFFECT:
    • O

      Worst law in the history of the United States

    • G

      Slightly worse than that

More from this section

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

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