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Politics

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.
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Obamacare Vs. The GOP’s New Health Plan

Key
  • O Obamacare
  • G GOP’s Plan
  • INDIVIDUAL MANDATE:
    • O

      Those who don’t obtain health insurance are penalized

    • G

      Those who don’t obtain impeccable health are penalized

  • PREEXISTING CONDITIONS:
    • O

      Americans covered regardless of preexisting conditions

    • G

      Insurers no longer forced to cover Americans stricken with condition of poverty

  • PERMITS INSURANCE COMPANIES TO FUCK AMERICANS OVER:
    • O

      Yes

    • G

      Yes

  • HEALTH SAVINGS ACCOUNTS:
    • O

      Allows individuals to deposit up to $3,400 and families up to $6,750 into tax-free health savings account

    • G

      Every savings account now a health savings account

  • AVERAGE COST OF HOSPITAL VISIT:
    • O

      Devastating

    • G

      Ruinous

  • BEST UNDERSTOOD VIA SERIES OF SIDE-BY-SIDE BULLET POINT COMPARISONS:
    • O

      Yeah

    • G

      Of course

  • OBJECTIVE:
    • O

      Relieve patients of high healthcare costs

    • G

      Relieve insurance companies of high healthcare costs

  • COVERAGE OF CHILDREN:
    • O

      Creates unacceptable culture of entitlement by allowing children to stay on parents’ plan until age of 26

    • G

      Unchanged

  • FREEZING BODY TO BE THAWED OUT AND REVIVED BY FUTURE GENERATIONS:
    • O

      Not covered

    • G

      Not covered

  • ASSOCIATION WITH DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENT THAT PREVENTS REPUBLICANS FROM SUPPORTING LAW:
    • O

      Yes

    • G

      Nope!

  • OVERALL EFFECT:
    • O

      Worst law in the history of the United States

    • G

      Slightly worse than that

More from this section

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.

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