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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Obamacare Vs. The GOP’s New Health Plan

Key
  • O Obamacare
  • G GOP’s Plan
  • INDIVIDUAL MANDATE:
    • O

      Those who don’t obtain health insurance are penalized

    • G

      Those who don’t obtain impeccable health are penalized

  • PREEXISTING CONDITIONS:
    • O

      Americans covered regardless of preexisting conditions

    • G

      Insurers no longer forced to cover Americans stricken with condition of poverty

  • PERMITS INSURANCE COMPANIES TO FUCK AMERICANS OVER:
    • O

      Yes

    • G

      Yes

  • HEALTH SAVINGS ACCOUNTS:
    • O

      Allows individuals to deposit up to $3,400 and families up to $6,750 into tax-free health savings account

    • G

      Every savings account now a health savings account

  • AVERAGE COST OF HOSPITAL VISIT:
    • O

      Devastating

    • G

      Ruinous

  • BEST UNDERSTOOD VIA SERIES OF SIDE-BY-SIDE BULLET POINT COMPARISONS:
    • O

      Yeah

    • G

      Of course

  • OBJECTIVE:
    • O

      Relieve patients of high healthcare costs

    • G

      Relieve insurance companies of high healthcare costs

  • COVERAGE OF CHILDREN:
    • O

      Creates unacceptable culture of entitlement by allowing children to stay on parents’ plan until age of 26

    • G

      Unchanged

  • FREEZING BODY TO BE THAWED OUT AND REVIVED BY FUTURE GENERATIONS:
    • O

      Not covered

    • G

      Not covered

  • ASSOCIATION WITH DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENT THAT PREVENTS REPUBLICANS FROM SUPPORTING LAW:
    • O

      Yes

    • G

      Nope!

  • OVERALL EFFECT:
    • O

      Worst law in the history of the United States

    • G

      Slightly worse than that

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