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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Onion Fact Checks: Anthony Scaramucci’s ‘New Yorker’ Interview

In an interview with The New Yorker earlier today, White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci leveled harsh criticism against the FBI and members of the Trump administration. The Onion fact-checks Scaramucci’s claims.

  • “I’m not Steve Bannon, I’m not trying to suck my own cock.”

    TRUE: Scaramucci understands that true inner peace comes from accepting one’s flaws and only very rarely sucking oneself off.

  • “I’ve done nothing wrong on my financial disclosures, so they’re going to have to go fuck themselves.”

    TRUE: Scaramucci’s financial records appear accurate, so under U.S. federal statutes his detractors are required by law to go fuck themselves no later than 10 business days from the date of filing.

  • “What I want to do is I want to fucking kill all the leakers and I want to get the president’s agenda on track.”

    PARTIALLY TRUE: He omitted that he also wants to fuck the leakers’ bitches in front of their kids and then carve a nice 6-inch souvenir on their face for their trouble.

  • “They’re trying to resist me, but it’s not going to work.”

    TRUE: The Mooch is hot, baby! Sizzling! Nobody can stop this kid!

  • “Yeah, let me go, though, because I’ve gotta start tweeting some shit to make [Reince Priebus] crazy.”

    FALSE: Priebus was driven far beyond the point of mental insanity by members of this administration many months ago.

  • “Reince is a fucking paranoid schizophrenic, a paranoiac. ‘Oh, Bill Shine is coming in. Let me leak the fucking thing and see if I can cock-block these people the way I cock-blocked Scaramucci for six months.’”

    TRUE: If you or someone you love is currently abusing cocaine please call this toll-free addiction hotline: 1-888-988-7934.

  • “Okay, the Mooch showed up a week ago.”

    FALSE: The Mooch has been slowly developing in Scaramucci’s troubled subconscious since his tender childhood.

  • “Get this through your head, you Jew motherfucker, you. You only exist out here because of me. That’s the only reason.”

    FALSE: Sorry, this is Joe Pesci in Casino. We got confused.

  • “I’m going to fire every one of them…the entire place will be fired over the next two weeks.”

    OH, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE BE TRUE: Seriously, please.

  • “This is a major catastrophe for the American country.”

    TRUE: This is the most accurate statement yet made by an administration official.

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