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Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at home, said Thursday his loyalty to the car manufacturer was so strong that he would be willing to kill in its name.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.
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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

  • La La Land (Best Picture): Damien Chazelle’s masterpiece blew the competition out of the water in terms of how many songs are in it

  • Natalie Portman (Best Actress): Narrowly edges out Meryl Streep for her superior portrayal of a rich socialite with an infamously bad voice

  • I Am Not Your Negro (Best Documentary Feature): Brilliantly tackles issues of race and discrimination in America, and viewers who haven’t seen it yet can rest assured that it will remain relevant for the next eight to nine decades at least

  • My Life As A Zucchini (Best Animated Feature Film): Academy voters won’t be able to resist this unique opportunity to fuck up everyone’s Oscar ballots

  • Walt Disney Studios (Best Return On Investment): Disney’s diverse, well-managed portfolio of reliable franchises was a smash hit among investors and financiers alike

  • Arrival (Best Adapted Screenplay): A film that rose to the immense challenge of adapting the script from its nonlinear, heptapodic source material

  • The White Helmets (Best Documentary Short Subject): All due respect to other heart-wrenching Syrian civil war stories nominated, but George Clooney’s involved here

  • Sully (Sound Editing): No movie did a better job capturing the sound of geese getting just fucking shredded in an airplane’s turbine than Sully

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