Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
End Of Section
  • More News

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

  • La La Land (Best Picture): Damien Chazelle’s masterpiece blew the competition out of the water in terms of how many songs are in it

  • Natalie Portman (Best Actress): Narrowly edges out Meryl Streep for her superior portrayal of a rich socialite with an infamously bad voice

  • I Am Not Your Negro (Best Documentary Feature): Brilliantly tackles issues of race and discrimination in America, and viewers who haven’t seen it yet can rest assured that it will remain relevant for the next eight to nine decades at least

  • My Life As A Zucchini (Best Animated Feature Film): Academy voters won’t be able to resist this unique opportunity to fuck up everyone’s Oscar ballots

  • Walt Disney Studios (Best Return On Investment): Disney’s diverse, well-managed portfolio of reliable franchises was a smash hit among investors and financiers alike

  • Arrival (Best Adapted Screenplay): A film that rose to the immense challenge of adapting the script from its nonlinear, heptapodic source material

  • The White Helmets (Best Documentary Short Subject): All due respect to other heart-wrenching Syrian civil war stories nominated, but George Clooney’s involved here

  • Sully (Sound Editing): No movie did a better job capturing the sound of geese getting just fucking shredded in an airplane’s turbine than Sully

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.