After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
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The Onion’s Mother’s Day Gift Guide

With Mother’s Day just around the corner, The Onion has put together a selection of gifts that any mom would love.

  • Lavender-Scented Polaris Ranger Off-Road ATV ($9,000)

    The perfect gift for a mom who loves to explore off the beaten path. Also available in Cappuccino and Tea Tree Lemon.

  • Registered Domain Name ($0.99)

    With her very own URL, now all Mom has to do is port the domain to a hosting platform, pick any CMS she wants, and code to her heart’s content.

  • Promise Of Going Out To A Nice Dinner In A Few Weeks ($0)

    That’ll buy you some time.

  • DNA Test That Proves You’re Her Child ($200)

    Your mom will appreciate the personal thought and effort that went into this unique gift.

  • Creamy Vanilla Coconut Yankee Candle ($21.99)

    She’s going to end up putting this in her bathroom come hell or high water, so it might as well come from you.

  • Spa Package ($129)

    A pampering treatment is perfect for any mom who wasn’t able to retire early because you refused to go to an in-state college.

  • Custom Cabinet Knobs That Look Like Your Head ($78)

    There’s nothing that will make Mom happier than seeing your face every time she reaches for a can opener.

  • Box Seats To QVC On Ice ($160)

    All her friends will be jealous when you take Mom to see Shawn Killinger and Jill Bauer show off the best new jewelry cleaner and collapsible luggage in a live ice-skating spectacular.

  • Card With A Cat On It ($3.79)

    Sure, just write something in it about how you love her more than anything. She’ll eat that right up.

After Birth

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