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Tips

Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Choosing The Right Dog For You

Once you decide to get a dog, there’s a wide range of adoptable pets to choose from, whether it’s a mutt or purebred. The Onion offers some helpful tips for choosing the dog that’s right for you.

Choosing The Right School For Your Child

With a new school year beginning soon, parents are making decisions about which type of school best fits their child’s needs. The Onion breaks down what each has to offer.

The Onion’s Beach Bag Essentials

Each summer, Americans flock to the coasts to enjoy the sun and waves. Here are the beach bag must-haves you should never head to the shore without.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.
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The Onion’s Sleepaway Camp Packing List

In preparation for summer camp season, The Onion has provided a list of essential items every child needs during their time away from home.

  • Four More Sweaters Than Necessary

    Ensure that your child is never cold, and then throw in a few more sweaters and an extra sweatshirt that doesn’t fit them anymore for good measure

  • Moose Repellent

    A good repellent is much more effective than swatting them away

  • Pictures Of Family And Friends

    Send your child off with a reminder of the people who care about him so little that they abandoned him in the fucking woods

  • Assorted Goops Variety Pack

    No camper can survive the summer without five or six different variations of goop to rub on themselves

  • Gun You Need To Hide From The Feds

    Just toss it in the duffel bag—no way they’ll find it at Camp Cedar Crest

  • Journal

    Perfect for recording the version of events they’ll actually tell people at school

  • Collected Works Of Elizabeth Barrett Browning

    With a good Victorian poetry collection to read on the dock, they won’t miss the limitless entertainment of the internet at all

  • Cyanide Capsule

    Make sure your camper is prepared for the great outdoors by giving them the merciful option to end it all rather than lie helpless and alone in the woods, predators closing in from all sides

  • Mosquitoes

    Most camps provide these, but kids can ensure they’re getting the quintessential summer camp experience by bringing their own swarm of bloodsucking insects

  • Enough Insulin

    Double-check this time

More from this section

Choosing The Right School For Your Child

With a new school year beginning soon, parents are making decisions about which type of school best fits their child’s needs. The Onion breaks down what each has to offer.

The Onion’s Beach Bag Essentials

Each summer, Americans flock to the coasts to enjoy the sun and waves. Here are the beach bag must-haves you should never head to the shore without.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

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