OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

  • Lauri Markkanen: Arizona’s Finnish freshman forward is just the latest product of Sean Miller’s famed Jyväskylä-to-Tucson recruiting pipeline.

  • Devonte’ Graham: The Kansas point guard has amazed college basketball fans nationwide by having a recent arrest that only had to do with a traffic ticket.

  • Derek Willis: Kentucky will rely on the old-school veteran leadership of their only starter born before 1996.

  • Isaac Haas: Purdue’s 7’2’’ junior is a specialist who excels at getting the ball down when it gets stuck between the rim and the backboard.

  • Sindarius Thornwell: The South Carolina senior guard and SEC Player of the Year was completely unknown until he had one good game in the NCAA Tournament.

  • Quentin Goodin: The playmaking freshman hopes to overcome long odds to bring a national championship to wherever the fuck Xavier is.

  • Lonzo Ball: The star point guard has already verbally committed the next seven generations of his family to play for UCLA.

  • Josh Jackson: The Kansas small forward has been able to maintain extreme focus throughout the season knowing that his teammates and coaches will always make excuses for his criminal behaviors.

  • Aldo: This south Florida native has provided Baylor with the end-to-end speed and staunch defense only a 1,100-pound, 15-foot crocodile can offer.

  • Frank Mason III: Millions of fans will be cheering on the Jayhawks’ Mason in the hopes that he’ll solidify their only correct Final Four pick.

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