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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

  • Lauri Markkanen: Arizona’s Finnish freshman forward is just the latest product of Sean Miller’s famed Jyväskylä-to-Tucson recruiting pipeline.

  • Devonte’ Graham: The Kansas point guard has amazed college basketball fans nationwide by having a recent arrest that only had to do with a traffic ticket.

  • Derek Willis: Kentucky will rely on the old-school veteran leadership of their only starter born before 1996.

  • Isaac Haas: Purdue’s 7’2’’ junior is a specialist who excels at getting the ball down when it gets stuck between the rim and the backboard.

  • Sindarius Thornwell: The South Carolina senior guard and SEC Player of the Year was completely unknown until he had one good game in the NCAA Tournament.

  • Quentin Goodin: The playmaking freshman hopes to overcome long odds to bring a national championship to wherever the fuck Xavier is.

  • Lonzo Ball: The star point guard has already verbally committed the next seven generations of his family to play for UCLA.

  • Josh Jackson: The Kansas small forward has been able to maintain extreme focus throughout the season knowing that his teammates and coaches will always make excuses for his criminal behaviors.

  • Aldo: This south Florida native has provided Baylor with the end-to-end speed and staunch defense only a 1,100-pound, 15-foot crocodile can offer.

  • Frank Mason III: Millions of fans will be cheering on the Jayhawks’ Mason in the hopes that he’ll solidify their only correct Final Four pick.

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