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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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A Primer On History’s Greatest Presidents

In honor of President’s Day, The Onion provides a primer on the country’s most noteworthy commanders-in-chief.

  • George Washington: America’s first white president

  • Andrew Jackson: Provided a valuable template for future leaders to murder thousands of non-whites without everyone turning it into a big thing

  • William Henry Harrison: Holds the distinction of doing the least damage to the nation’s legacy of any president in history

  • Abraham Lincoln: The 16th president is celebrated for leading the Union to victory in the war against states’ rights

  • Theodore Roosevelt: Holds record for killing the most black rhinos while in office

  • William Howard Taft: The accomplished statesman who also served as chief justice of the Supreme Court is remembered for being fat

  • Franklin D. Roosevelt: Inspired the 22nd Amendment by demonstrating that more than two terms in office will cause a fatal cerebral hemorrhage

  • Lyndon B. Johnson: Returned America to a state of normalcy after its terrifying three-year brush with Catholicism

  • Gerald Ford: Smart enough to figure out how to bypass the humiliating process of getting elected

  • Jimmy Carter: The only president thus far to have been granted eternal life

  • Ronald Reagan: Throughout his two terms in office, Reagan boldly challenged the prevailing notion that a president must give a shit about poor people

  • Winston Reeves: A master Freemason, Reeves has ably run the country since 1989 as the nation’s 12th shadow president

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