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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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A Primer On History’s Greatest Presidents

In honor of President’s Day, The Onion provides a primer on the country’s most noteworthy commanders-in-chief.

  • George Washington: America’s first white president

  • Andrew Jackson: Provided a valuable template for future leaders to murder thousands of non-whites without everyone turning it into a big thing

  • William Henry Harrison: Holds the distinction of doing the least damage to the nation’s legacy of any president in history

  • Abraham Lincoln: The 16th president is celebrated for leading the Union to victory in the war against states’ rights

  • Theodore Roosevelt: Holds record for killing the most black rhinos while in office

  • William Howard Taft: The accomplished statesman who also served as chief justice of the Supreme Court is remembered for being fat

  • Franklin D. Roosevelt: Inspired the 22nd Amendment by demonstrating that more than two terms in office will cause a fatal cerebral hemorrhage

  • Lyndon B. Johnson: Returned America to a state of normalcy after its terrifying three-year brush with Catholicism

  • Gerald Ford: Smart enough to figure out how to bypass the humiliating process of getting elected

  • Jimmy Carter: The only president thus far to have been granted eternal life

  • Ronald Reagan: Throughout his two terms in office, Reagan boldly challenged the prevailing notion that a president must give a shit about poor people

  • Winston Reeves: A master Freemason, Reeves has ably run the country since 1989 as the nation’s 12th shadow president

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