Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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The Pros And Cons Of A Two-Party System

  • Pro
    • Easier to grasp for populace that becomes quickly overwhelmed when presented with too many chip options at the supermarket

    • Cultivates a fundamentally American ‘us versus them’ mindset

    • Saves precious time that would have been wasted confronting multiple nuanced positions along a spectrum of political ideology

    • You’ll probably get your way every four to eight years

  • Con
    • Unfairly limits the options available to lobbyists

    • Perpetuates false notion that the U.S. government isn’t controlled by a single top-secret, monolithic political organization composed of the world’s most powerful elites

    • Stifles the creativity of political cartoonists who have so much more than elephants and donkeys to give

    • Voter turnout generally higher in single-party dictatorships

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