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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

  • Pro
    • Would make people feel valued by their government in precise capitalist terms they can understand

    • Privileged elite no longer the only ones with access to Pizza Hut Triple Treat Box

    • Whole basic human dignity thing

    • Opens up more opportunities to use the phrase “sucking at the government’s teat”

    • The look on some rich prick’s face hearing about this for the first time

    • More marks for your pyramid scheme

  • Con
    • System can be exploited by “welfare queens” who live lavishly on the spoils of their $500 monthly allotment

    • Recipients might lose sight of the value of hard work, the most noble and treasured aspect of American life

    • Would take forever to sign all those checks

    • Encourages entrepreneurship among dumbasses who dream of opening a fucking cupcake truck or some other bullshit

    • The long-term effects of bestowing lower class with a sense of dignity are currently unknown

    • Leveling the playing field would be detrimental to the vast minority of Americans

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