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Politics

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

  • Pro
    • Would make people feel valued by their government in precise capitalist terms they can understand

    • Privileged elite no longer the only ones with access to Pizza Hut Triple Treat Box

    • Whole basic human dignity thing

    • Opens up more opportunities to use the phrase “sucking at the government’s teat”

    • The look on some rich prick’s face hearing about this for the first time

    • More marks for your pyramid scheme

  • Con
    • System can be exploited by “welfare queens” who live lavishly on the spoils of their $500 monthly allotment

    • Recipients might lose sight of the value of hard work, the most noble and treasured aspect of American life

    • Would take forever to sign all those checks

    • Encourages entrepreneurship among dumbasses who dream of opening a fucking cupcake truck or some other bullshit

    • The long-term effects of bestowing lower class with a sense of dignity are currently unknown

    • Leveling the playing field would be detrimental to the vast minority of Americans

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