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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

  • Pro
    • Would make people feel valued by their government in precise capitalist terms they can understand

    • Privileged elite no longer the only ones with access to Pizza Hut Triple Treat Box

    • Whole basic human dignity thing

    • Opens up more opportunities to use the phrase “sucking at the government’s teat”

    • The look on some rich prick’s face hearing about this for the first time

    • More marks for your pyramid scheme

  • Con
    • System can be exploited by “welfare queens” who live lavishly on the spoils of their $500 monthly allotment

    • Recipients might lose sight of the value of hard work, the most noble and treasured aspect of American life

    • Would take forever to sign all those checks

    • Encourages entrepreneurship among dumbasses who dream of opening a fucking cupcake truck or some other bullshit

    • The long-term effects of bestowing lower class with a sense of dignity are currently unknown

    • Leveling the playing field would be detrimental to the vast minority of Americans

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