Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Republicans’ Congressional Agenda For 2017

  • Immediately dismantle President Obama’s landmark Clarification Of Treatment Of Electronic Sales Of Livestock Act

  • Simplify tax code so working class Americans know exactly how much they’re being fucked

  • Learn the names of more female body parts to regulate

  • Confirm the lengthy backlog of Obama’s judicial appointments they haven’t had time to get to over the last few years

  • Disentomb sarcophagus of Grand Emperor Thogos, the 2,000-year-old Republican senator who was to be awoken only once the Golden Age of Far-Right Policymaking had begun

  • Hesitantly confirm a secretary of state named Rex

  • Create easier access to abortion clinic doctors’ homes

  • Some nice things for the good folks over in Wisconsin’s 1st district

  • Set ambitious benchmarks for lowering amount of O2 released into atmosphere over next 50 years

  • Get rid of that family of raccoons that’s been living in the Capitol dome

  • Send President Trump weekly email reminders of what the GOP platform is to help him stay on track

  • Kick back and enjoy a few of those cute little filibusters by Senate Democrats

  • Relearn how to applaud during a State of the Union address

  • Salt the earth behind them

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