Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Republicans’ Congressional Agenda For 2017

  • Immediately dismantle President Obama’s landmark Clarification Of Treatment Of Electronic Sales Of Livestock Act

  • Simplify tax code so working class Americans know exactly how much they’re being fucked

  • Learn the names of more female body parts to regulate

  • Confirm the lengthy backlog of Obama’s judicial appointments they haven’t had time to get to over the last few years

  • Disentomb sarcophagus of Grand Emperor Thogos, the 2,000-year-old Republican senator who was to be awoken only once the Golden Age of Far-Right Policymaking had begun

  • Hesitantly confirm a secretary of state named Rex

  • Create easier access to abortion clinic doctors’ homes

  • Some nice things for the good folks over in Wisconsin’s 1st district

  • Set ambitious benchmarks for lowering amount of O2 released into atmosphere over next 50 years

  • Get rid of that family of raccoons that’s been living in the Capitol dome

  • Send President Trump weekly email reminders of what the GOP platform is to help him stay on track

  • Kick back and enjoy a few of those cute little filibusters by Senate Democrats

  • Relearn how to applaud during a State of the Union address

  • Salt the earth behind them

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