Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Republicans’ Congressional Agenda For 2017

  • Immediately dismantle President Obama’s landmark Clarification Of Treatment Of Electronic Sales Of Livestock Act

  • Simplify tax code so working class Americans know exactly how much they’re being fucked

  • Learn the names of more female body parts to regulate

  • Confirm the lengthy backlog of Obama’s judicial appointments they haven’t had time to get to over the last few years

  • Disentomb sarcophagus of Grand Emperor Thogos, the 2,000-year-old Republican senator who was to be awoken only once the Golden Age of Far-Right Policymaking had begun

  • Hesitantly confirm a secretary of state named Rex

  • Create easier access to abortion clinic doctors’ homes

  • Some nice things for the good folks over in Wisconsin’s 1st district

  • Set ambitious benchmarks for lowering amount of O2 released into atmosphere over next 50 years

  • Get rid of that family of raccoons that’s been living in the Capitol dome

  • Send President Trump weekly email reminders of what the GOP platform is to help him stay on track

  • Kick back and enjoy a few of those cute little filibusters by Senate Democrats

  • Relearn how to applaud during a State of the Union address

  • Salt the earth behind them

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