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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Republicans’ Congressional Agenda For 2017

  • Immediately dismantle President Obama’s landmark Clarification Of Treatment Of Electronic Sales Of Livestock Act

  • Simplify tax code so working class Americans know exactly how much they’re being fucked

  • Learn the names of more female body parts to regulate

  • Confirm the lengthy backlog of Obama’s judicial appointments they haven’t had time to get to over the last few years

  • Disentomb sarcophagus of Grand Emperor Thogos, the 2,000-year-old Republican senator who was to be awoken only once the Golden Age of Far-Right Policymaking had begun

  • Hesitantly confirm a secretary of state named Rex

  • Create easier access to abortion clinic doctors’ homes

  • Some nice things for the good folks over in Wisconsin’s 1st district

  • Set ambitious benchmarks for lowering amount of O2 released into atmosphere over next 50 years

  • Get rid of that family of raccoons that’s been living in the Capitol dome

  • Send President Trump weekly email reminders of what the GOP platform is to help him stay on track

  • Kick back and enjoy a few of those cute little filibusters by Senate Democrats

  • Relearn how to applaud during a State of the Union address

  • Salt the earth behind them

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