Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally.
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Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

What Happened, a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

  • Never really understood what the “H” arrow campaign logo was going for

  • Respected her opponent Bernie Sanders but simply believed a presidential election is not the time to push progressive policies

  • Still receives fan mail from little girls asking for her advice on how to appeal to wealthy centrists

  • Regrets not killing James Comey

  • Briefly toyed with the idea of campaigning under the pseudonym H.R. Clemens to avoid misogynist critics

  • Concedes that she might be partially responsible for 15 months’ worth of her actions, words, and policies on the campaign trail

  • Quietly ran for president in 2012

  • A 45-page diatribe excoriates DNC intern Jason Whitcomb for his failure to stuff election mailers correctly

  • Calls Donald Trump “creepy” but admits he can throw one hell of a wedding

  • Has clearly already forgotten who her VP pick was

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