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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run:

  • 1989

    Husband-and-wife duo Gábor Csupó and Arlene Klasky write a pilot script inspired by the antics of their own entirely unsupervised infant children

  • 1990

    Pitch meeting going pretty well until the idea is floated to make the Pickles family Jewish

  • 1991

    Parents nationwide incorrectly assume children will grow out of this Nickelodeon programming block at some point

  • 1992

    Millions of young viewers turn up the volume on Tommy and Chuckie’s Wild West playground adventure to drown out the fighting upstairs

  • 1994

    Phil and Lil move through the five stages of grief as the show addresses the suicide of Kurt Cobain

  • 1995

    Critics laud the holiday Passover special as the first kids’ show to address mass child murder

  • 1996

    Rerun of that awesome one where Stu falls off the roof, gets amnesia, and acts like one of the babies

  • 1998

    The Rugrats Movie introduces Tommy’s baby brother, Dil, to provide an infusion of youth to the aging cast

  • 2004

    Series ends after writers exhaust all conceivable methods of playpen escape

  • 2016

    A 32-year-old with $38,000 in student loan debt briefly considers submitting his résumé to a temp agency while viewing a commercial-free Rugrats marathon on Nickelodeon

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