MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Strongside/Weakside: Rafael Nadal

  • Strongside
    • Is able to make trophies achieve orgasm with just one kiss

    • Has completely gotten into the part of Federer’s head that is not a computer

    • Headbands even thicker and more colorful than those worn by legends such as McEnroe or Bjorn Borg

    • Recently discovered trick to faster-playing hard courts is just running faster

    • Singe-handedly generates 65 percent of the world’s topsin

  • Weakside
    • His serving arm being way more muscular than the other is...Well, it’s fucking gross is what it is

    • Never sets tennis world on fire in a literal sense

    • Is a mystical earth spirit and loses much of his immense chi when not in contact with life-giving clay

    • Capri pants, for the love of Christ

    • Calls “backhand” his “reverse fronthand”

    • Should probably work on some cool trick shot like Federer’s through-the-legs move. Man, is Federer great or what?

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