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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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  • More News

Strongside/Weakside: Sidney Crosby

  • Strongside
    • Quite the little hockey player

    • Inducted into NHL Hall of Fame after third game

    • Unlike many star athletes, doesn’t have to worry about distraction of being recognized on the street

    • Once scored a goal that made the goalie’s Gatorade bottle fly off the top of the net

    • Is also Alexander Ovechkin

    • Uses skates to make shaved ice treats for kids in the stands

  • Weakside
    • Insists referees turn off icing before every match

    • During face-offs, opposing players often steal his stick and jersey to sell at sports memorabilia auctions

    • Despite great hands and soft touch, lost a face-off in 2003

    • Never replaces his ice divots after slapshots

    • New Reebok Sidney Crosby skates not selling as well as most would have hoped

    • As is the case with star Pittsburgh athletes, is at high risk for contracting Hodgkin’s disease or dying in a plane crash while flying supplies to disaster victims

More from this section

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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