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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.
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Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods:

Key
  • M MYTH
  • F FACT
    • M

      Kale is a delicious way to meet your body’s iron needs

    • F

      Kale is a way to meet your body’s iron needs

    • M

      Brussels sprouts contain several compounds that detoxify the body

    • F

      No naturally occurring substance stands a chance against the carcinogens consumed by the average American

    • M

      Flaxseed is loaded with plant omega-3s and may prevent some cancers

    • F

      You are unfortunately required to eat the flaxseed to reap these benefits

    • M

      Adding acai berries to your morning smoothie provides a huge antioxidant kick

    • F

      Chances are, if “your morning smoothie” is a recognizable part of your routine, everything’s going to turn out just fine in your life anyway

    • M

      Walnuts are packed with alpha-linolenic acid, which aids memory retention

    • F

      Walnuts are $10.44 per pound

    • M

      The quercetin in apples is linked to a reduction in lung cancer risk

    • F

      Apples are, in fact, too boring to qualify as a superfood

    • M

      The anti-inflammatory properties of cilantro help treat urinary tract infections

    • F

      Forty-four million people in this country lack adequate health insurance

    • M

      Leafy greens add beneficial doses of vitamins A, C, and K to every meal, as well as being loaded with folate, potassium, and calcium

    • F

      This isn’t to discount other greens, such as celery. Celery is still pretty good, okay? We all do our part. It’s not a race.


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