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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods:

Key
  • M MYTH
  • F FACT
    • M

      Kale is a delicious way to meet your body’s iron needs

    • F

      Kale is a way to meet your body’s iron needs

    • M

      Brussels sprouts contain several compounds that detoxify the body

    • F

      No naturally occurring substance stands a chance against the carcinogens consumed by the average American

    • M

      Flaxseed is loaded with plant omega-3s and may prevent some cancers

    • F

      You are unfortunately required to eat the flaxseed to reap these benefits

    • M

      Adding acai berries to your morning smoothie provides a huge antioxidant kick

    • F

      Chances are, if “your morning smoothie” is a recognizable part of your routine, everything’s going to turn out just fine in your life anyway

    • M

      Walnuts are packed with alpha-linolenic acid, which aids memory retention

    • F

      Walnuts are $10.44 per pound

    • M

      The quercetin in apples is linked to a reduction in lung cancer risk

    • F

      Apples are, in fact, too boring to qualify as a superfood

    • M

      The anti-inflammatory properties of cilantro help treat urinary tract infections

    • F

      Forty-four million people in this country lack adequate health insurance

    • M

      Leafy greens add beneficial doses of vitamins A, C, and K to every meal, as well as being loaded with folate, potassium, and calcium

    • F

      This isn’t to discount other greens, such as celery. Celery is still pretty good, okay? We all do our part. It’s not a race.


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