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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

  • 150,000,000 B.C.

    Birds seem to have it down pretty well

  • 1485

    Leonardo da Vinci draws detailed sketch of an airline passenger

  • 1709

    Bartolomeu de Gusmão designs an airship similar to a modern hot air balloon that is immediately confiscated by his Algebra teacher

  • 1873-1898

    Inclement weather delays

  • 1903

    Orville and Wilbur Wright’s first flight at Kitty Hawk gives hope that humans might one day have the technology to leave North Carolina

  • 1909

    The first flight by a commercial airline is followed moments later by the first public apology by a commercial airline

  • 1914

    Aviation engineers make breakthrough discovery that these things can also be used to kill people

  • 1944

    Oklahoma A&M basketball player Bob Kurland becomes the first person to dunk

  • 1980

    Spirit Airlines launches with the goal of bringing the glamour of bus travel to the air

  • 2102

    Baby cries throughout entire flight from Tampa to Mars

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