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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.
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A Timeline Of Elvis Presley’s Life

Elvis Presley, iconic rock and roll singer, guitarist, and actor, died 40 years ago today. The Onion looks back on his life.

  • August 1935

    Elvis Aaron Presley is born after a series of provocative hip thrusts from his parents

  • 1956

    Elvis is crowned King Of Rock N Roll following a swift, bloody military coup

  • March 1957

    Elvis buys Graceland, a 14-acre, 8-toilet mansion in Nashville, TN

  • November 1957

    Presley stars in Jailhouse Rock, a film that shines a light on prison overcrowding and the dangerous tendency of inmates to break into song and dance

  • March 1958

    Presley is drafted into the U.S. Army despite an advanced case of the blues

  • 1967

    Some asshole introduces Elvis to painkillers

  • 1969

    Elvis begins performing in Las Vegas as part of an Elvis Presley tribute band

  • June 1970

    During stage performances, Elvis begins wearing his iconic cape, jumpsuit, flippers, and scuba mask

  • December 1970

    Elvis visits Richard Nixon’s White House for a landmark stealing-from-black-America summit

  • 1973

    Over 1 billion people tune in to watch Elvis: Aloha from Hawaii Via Satellite, and the Soviet Union responds by launching Ukrainian crooner Iosif Kobzon into low-earth orbit

  • 1974

    Elvis invents his namesake sandwich consisting of peanut butter, banana, and amphetamines

  • September 1977

    Dave Rhodes, a portly insurance claims adjustor who keeps to himself, moves into his new ranch house in Mesa, AZ

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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

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