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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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A Timeline Of Valentine’s Day History

Every February, people across the world engage in romantic traditions with their loved ones in celebration of Valentine’s Day. The Onion provides a timeline of the holiday’s inception and evolution:

  • 7,000 B.C.

    History’s first recorded girlfriend

  • 41 B.C.

    Marc Antony wins the affections of Cleopatra by presenting her with a cardstock likeness of Shrek that reads “Valentine, you bowl me OGRE!”

  • 1797

    Victorians begin the practice of sending and receiving romantic cards in an expression of love designed to ostracize single people

  • 1929

    Al Capone orchestrates the murder of seven Irish gangsters in the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre and then probably takes his wife out to a nice dinner

  • 1929-1933

    Great Depression gets millions of people off the hook

  • 1955

    Heart replaces pancreas as official human organ of the holiday

  • 1972

    Fourth-graders at McGinn Elementary launch coordinated effort to ensure no one gives Shannon Brown a card

  • 1980

    U.S. divorce rate reaches 50 percent

  • 2010

    Garry Marshall’s landmark film Valentine’s Day introduces the holiday’s heretofore obscure subculture to mainstream audiences

  • 2017

    You still haven’t settled down?

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