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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.
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A Timeline Of Valentine’s Day History

Every February, people across the world engage in romantic traditions with their loved ones in celebration of Valentine’s Day. The Onion provides a timeline of the holiday’s inception and evolution:

  • 7,000 B.C.

    History’s first recorded girlfriend

  • 41 B.C.

    Marc Antony wins the affections of Cleopatra by presenting her with a cardstock likeness of Shrek that reads “Valentine, you bowl me OGRE!”

  • 1797

    Victorians begin the practice of sending and receiving romantic cards in an expression of love designed to ostracize single people

  • 1929

    Al Capone orchestrates the murder of seven Irish gangsters in the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre and then probably takes his wife out to a nice dinner

  • 1929-1933

    Great Depression gets millions of people off the hook

  • 1955

    Heart replaces pancreas as official human organ of the holiday

  • 1972

    Fourth-graders at McGinn Elementary launch coordinated effort to ensure no one gives Shannon Brown a card

  • 1980

    U.S. divorce rate reaches 50 percent

  • 2010

    Garry Marshall’s landmark film Valentine’s Day introduces the holiday’s heretofore obscure subculture to mainstream audiences

  • 2017

    You still haven’t settled down?

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