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What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.
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A Timeline Of Valentine’s Day History

Every February, people across the world engage in romantic traditions with their loved ones in celebration of Valentine’s Day. The Onion provides a timeline of the holiday’s inception and evolution:

  • 7,000 B.C.

    History’s first recorded girlfriend

  • 41 B.C.

    Marc Antony wins the affections of Cleopatra by presenting her with a cardstock likeness of Shrek that reads “Valentine, you bowl me OGRE!”

  • 1797

    Victorians begin the practice of sending and receiving romantic cards in an expression of love designed to ostracize single people

  • 1929

    Al Capone orchestrates the murder of seven Irish gangsters in the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre and then probably takes his wife out to a nice dinner

  • 1929-1933

    Great Depression gets millions of people off the hook

  • 1955

    Heart replaces pancreas as official human organ of the holiday

  • 1972

    Fourth-graders at McGinn Elementary launch coordinated effort to ensure no one gives Shannon Brown a card

  • 1980

    U.S. divorce rate reaches 50 percent

  • 2010

    Garry Marshall’s landmark film Valentine’s Day introduces the holiday’s heretofore obscure subculture to mainstream audiences

  • 2017

    You still haven’t settled down?

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