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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.
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A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.

  • 1962-1972

    Hundreds of miniature shampoo bottles and towels stolen from the Watergate Hotel

  • February 2, 1971

    A secret voice-activated taping system is installed in the Oval Office, programmed to start recording whenever Nixon utters the phrase “and now, for my next dastardly scheme…”

  • June 17, 1972

    Five men break into the Watergate complex wearing Richard Nixon masks

  • June 20, 1972

    Washington Post reporters Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein assigned story on National Zoo’s new panda and told to follow it wherever it takes them

  • November 7, 1972

    American public reelects Nixon in order to find out how this whole thing ends

  • July 18, 1973

    Nixon orders White House taping system disconnected after hearing how weird his voice sounds

  • August 10, 1973

    Checkers reaches out to Senate committee seeking immunity deal

  • October 10, 1973

    Vice President Spiro Agnew resigns in order to focus on taking bribes in the private sector

  • October 20, 1973

    Three men found jobless in a gruesome scene later dubbed the “Saturday Night Massacre” by investigators

  • February 16, 1974

    Nixon kicked out of Jefferson Starship due to the persistent bad publicity his scandals have brought to the band

  • August 9, 1974

    Nixon becomes the first president to resign, and Vice President Gerald Ford is soon after sworn in with Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis at his side

  • September 8, 1974

    29-year-old Donald Trump watches with rapt attention as President Ford grants Nixon a full pardon

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