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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Top Prospects Of The 2017 NBA Draft

  • Lonzo Ball

    Landing with his hometown Lakers would make it easier for his father to explain attending every game

  • Markelle Fultz

    Possesses the combination of court vision and unintrusive parents teams want in a modern point guard

  • Malik Monk

    Silenced critics when he offered to take a pay cut to leave Kentucky for the NBA

  • Frank Ntilikina

    The 18-year-old point guard for the French team Strasbourg IG impressed the Knicks with his descriptions of a professional basketball organization

  • Josh Jackson

    NBA teams are confident Jackson has fully distanced himself from those in his life he might violently threaten

  • Harry Giles

    The Duke forward’s impressive 87-inch wingspan expands to 98 inches when threatened by apex predators

  • Dennis Smith

    Scouts love his upside, though they’re not so crazy about his downside

  • Terrance Ferguson

    After spending a season in Australia, he’ll need to kick his habit of performing windmill dunks in a counterclockwise motion

  • Jayson Tatum

    This kid seems like he could be pretty good, but who really knows with this kind of stuff

  • De’Aaron Fox

    At 170 pounds, the 19-year-old is the only person in Kentucky who needs to put on more weight

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