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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.

  • Trump’s sexual fetishes largely in line with those of an American president

  • Holds significant financial investment in corrupt Trump Organization

  • Scathing TripAdvisor review for Trump Hotel Toronto

  • Eight years’ worth of handwritten letters to Barack Obama praising his presidency and character

  • Proof that he once had a business deal not turn out as lucratively as he expected

  • Engaged in regular email correspondence with such dangerous far-right figures as Steve Bannon and Jeff Sessions

  • Trump was Russia’s eighth pick for 2016 president

  • Has been accused of sexual assault by over a dozen women, just in case everyone forgot

  • Repeated disclosures that he loves Eric more than Donald Jr.

  • A picture where his eyes are completely closed

  • Though credited as executive producer of The Apprentice, Trump rarely liaised with production staff to strategize creative direction and approach

  • Hired multiple prostitutes to hold him while he cried and talked about his father in a Moscow hotel room

  • Horrifying list of alternatives he considered for cabinet positions

  • Vast, tangled web of treasonous dealings that half the electorate won’t give shit about

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