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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.

  • Trump’s sexual fetishes largely in line with those of an American president

  • Holds significant financial investment in corrupt Trump Organization

  • Scathing TripAdvisor review for Trump Hotel Toronto

  • Eight years’ worth of handwritten letters to Barack Obama praising his presidency and character

  • Proof that he once had a business deal not turn out as lucratively as he expected

  • Engaged in regular email correspondence with such dangerous far-right figures as Steve Bannon and Jeff Sessions

  • Trump was Russia’s eighth pick for 2016 president

  • Has been accused of sexual assault by over a dozen women, just in case everyone forgot

  • Repeated disclosures that he loves Eric more than Donald Jr.

  • A picture where his eyes are completely closed

  • Though credited as executive producer of The Apprentice, Trump rarely liaised with production staff to strategize creative direction and approach

  • Hired multiple prostitutes to hold him while he cried and talked about his father in a Moscow hotel room

  • Horrifying list of alternatives he considered for cabinet positions

  • Vast, tangled web of treasonous dealings that half the electorate won’t give shit about

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