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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.

  • Trump’s sexual fetishes largely in line with those of an American president

  • Holds significant financial investment in corrupt Trump Organization

  • Scathing TripAdvisor review for Trump Hotel Toronto

  • Eight years’ worth of handwritten letters to Barack Obama praising his presidency and character

  • Proof that he once had a business deal not turn out as lucratively as he expected

  • Engaged in regular email correspondence with such dangerous far-right figures as Steve Bannon and Jeff Sessions

  • Trump was Russia’s eighth pick for 2016 president

  • Has been accused of sexual assault by over a dozen women, just in case everyone forgot

  • Repeated disclosures that he loves Eric more than Donald Jr.

  • A picture where his eyes are completely closed

  • Though credited as executive producer of The Apprentice, Trump rarely liaised with production staff to strategize creative direction and approach

  • Hired multiple prostitutes to hold him while he cried and talked about his father in a Moscow hotel room

  • Horrifying list of alternatives he considered for cabinet positions

  • Vast, tangled web of treasonous dealings that half the electorate won’t give shit about

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