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Politics

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.

  • Trump’s sexual fetishes largely in line with those of an American president

  • Holds significant financial investment in corrupt Trump Organization

  • Scathing TripAdvisor review for Trump Hotel Toronto

  • Eight years’ worth of handwritten letters to Barack Obama praising his presidency and character

  • Proof that he once had a business deal not turn out as lucratively as he expected

  • Engaged in regular email correspondence with such dangerous far-right figures as Steve Bannon and Jeff Sessions

  • Trump was Russia’s eighth pick for 2016 president

  • Has been accused of sexual assault by over a dozen women, just in case everyone forgot

  • Repeated disclosures that he loves Eric more than Donald Jr.

  • A picture where his eyes are completely closed

  • Though credited as executive producer of The Apprentice, Trump rarely liaised with production staff to strategize creative direction and approach

  • Hired multiple prostitutes to hold him while he cried and talked about his father in a Moscow hotel room

  • Horrifying list of alternatives he considered for cabinet positions

  • Vast, tangled web of treasonous dealings that half the electorate won’t give shit about

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