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Politics

Report: Saxophone Still An Okay Vehicle For Self-Expression

While declaring that the musical instrument was by no means ideally suited to the task, a report released by the National Endowment for the Arts Thursday concluded that the saxophone nevertheless remains a fairly decent vehicle for expressing one’s ...

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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What To Expect From James Comey’s Book

Former FBI director James Comey is writing a book due out next spring about leadership, decision-making, and his time at the FBI. Here’s what to look for when the book is released.

  • Lurid details about Comey’s early life in Yonkers, New York as the son of a corporate realtor and homemaker

  • Nice, glossy centerfold

  • A defense of his decision to insert himself into the 1995 Pillsbury bake-off judging just hours before the end of the competition

  • Graphic, sexually explicit chapter about year spent touring with Cream

  • A few hundred instances of the word duty

  • Gripping, personal tale of his decade-long struggle with Werther’s Originals

  • Repeated references to an unnamed United States president who, for their privacy, Comey will simply refer to as my friend Jacob

  • No-nonsense index organized by how juicy each topic is

  • A revealing, pivotal childhood moment wherein Comey’s stepfather tells him that he will never fulfill his dream of testifying before the Senate Intelligence Committee

  • A few blank pages for readers to write their own damning revelations about the Trump administration

  • Foreword by Hillary Clinton

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