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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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What To Expect From A Live-Action ‘Beauty And The Beast’

Disney unveiled the trailer for its live-action adaptation of its 1991 film Beauty And The Beast, which comes out in March 2017. Here’s what viewers have to look forward to:

  • Filmmakers to further explore candlestick’s insatiable passion for feather duster

  • Emma Watson puts her theatrical range to the test by portraying a lovely girl who reads a lot

  • While all characters will now be portrayed by humans, vocals will all still be performed by cartoons

  • Footrest walking around like a dog in full, horrific 3D

  • Fully reimagined Beast character rewritten from misunderstood loner into sullen anti-hero

  • Inclusion of brand-new song by Alan Menken and Tim Rice called “Hey Hey, I’m The Beast”

  • Approximately 90 minutes of entertainment

  • State-of-the-art CGI to render Gaston’s biceps even more sculpted

  • At least three more of these things if it nabs over $400 million domestically

  • Moral of story still roughly that ugly people do not deserve love

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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