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What Lessons America Can Learn From This Election Cycle

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Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.

Man Wearing ‘Jewmerica’ T-Shirt Never Dreamed He’d See This Day

SAND SPRINGS, OK—Feeling a mixture of intense pride and abject disbelief after news networks called the 2016 presidential election in favor of Donald Trump, local man Terry Williams, who is currently wearing a T-shirt adorned with the word “Jewmerica,” told reporters late Tuesday night that he never dreamed he’d see this day during his lifetime.

Report: Things Finally As Bad As Trump Claims

WASHINGTON—Following Donald Trump’s stunning victory in the general election early Wednesday morning, political experts confirmed that conditions in the United States are now finally as bad as the Republican nominee has long claimed.

Nation Throws Off Tyrannical Yoke Of Moderate Respect For Women

WASHINGTON—Political experts are hailing Donald Trump’s historic presidential victory early Wednesday as a resounding declaration that the nation is finally ready to cast off the tyrannical yoke of moderate respect for women that has suffocated the citizens of this country for generations.

Nation’s Optimists Need To Shut The Fuck Up Right Now

WASHINGTON—Saying their rosy attitude about the state of the election was not helping anything given what is currently transpiring, sources confirmed Tuesday night that the nation’s optimists need to seriously shut the fuck up as soon as humanly fucking possible.
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What Lessons America Can Learn From This Election Cycle

With the 2016 presidential election now concluded after 18 months, Americans can look back for lessons on how to move forward as a nation. Here’s what the nation can learn from this election cycle:

  • How the old elementary school is holding up

  • It’s possible to start from great wealth and privilege and rise to the highest office in the land

  • Americans have a great capacity for forgiveness when it comes to sexual assault

  • Your father/son/brother/mother/daughter/uncle/aunt is a fucking moron

  • Never pick up the phone from an unknown number within six months of Election Day

  • Mankind is a fickle creature whose intentions are often contradictory and harmful to the self

  • Gary Johnson was the governor of New Mexico

  • There’s a slight chance America is not yet a post-racial society

  • For as little as $3, you can receive unwanted emails every day indefinitely

  • That while conservative fiscal reform through spending restraint and privatization could theoretically lead to economic growth, a more liberal program of tax relief for impoverished citizens, restricting corporate inversions, and enforcing exit taxes on businesses operating abroad also has reason for implementation

  • It’s only a matter of time until Eric Trump turns 35

  • You don’t want to find out who else lives in this country

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