Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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What Obama Hopes To Accomplish Before Leaving The White House

On January 20, President Barack Obama’s second term will draw to a close, ending his role as a world leader. Here are some items Obama still hopes to accomplish before leaving office:

  • Stay up all night and watch the sunrise with entire cabinet

  • Make sure “killed Osama bin Laden” displayed prominently on résumé

  • Few more weeks of attempting to convince us that our differences make us stronger

  • Defeat ISIS, pass immigration reform, repair broken criminal justice system, secure peace throughout Middle East

  • Re-rack eight years’ worth of strewn dumbbells

  • Mercifully kill Obamacare before Republicans have opportunity to slowly gut it

  • Take Merrick Garland out for drink

  • Rally community to put on show that will save the Tumblebrook Playhouse from demolition

  • Leave White House staff with detailed list of each predator drone’s individual needs

  • Get a few things off his chest in final press conference

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