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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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What Obama Hopes To Accomplish Before Leaving The White House

On January 20, President Barack Obama’s second term will draw to a close, ending his role as a world leader. Here are some items Obama still hopes to accomplish before leaving office:

  • Stay up all night and watch the sunrise with entire cabinet

  • Make sure “killed Osama bin Laden” displayed prominently on résumé

  • Few more weeks of attempting to convince us that our differences make us stronger

  • Defeat ISIS, pass immigration reform, repair broken criminal justice system, secure peace throughout Middle East

  • Re-rack eight years’ worth of strewn dumbbells

  • Mercifully kill Obamacare before Republicans have opportunity to slowly gut it

  • Take Merrick Garland out for drink

  • Rally community to put on show that will save the Tumblebrook Playhouse from demolition

  • Leave White House staff with detailed list of each predator drone’s individual needs

  • Get a few things off his chest in final press conference

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