Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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What Obama Hopes To Accomplish Before Leaving The White House

On January 20, President Barack Obama’s second term will draw to a close, ending his role as a world leader. Here are some items Obama still hopes to accomplish before leaving office:

  • Stay up all night and watch the sunrise with entire cabinet

  • Make sure “killed Osama bin Laden” displayed prominently on résumé

  • Few more weeks of attempting to convince us that our differences make us stronger

  • Defeat ISIS, pass immigration reform, repair broken criminal justice system, secure peace throughout Middle East

  • Re-rack eight years’ worth of strewn dumbbells

  • Mercifully kill Obamacare before Republicans have opportunity to slowly gut it

  • Take Merrick Garland out for drink

  • Rally community to put on show that will save the Tumblebrook Playhouse from demolition

  • Leave White House staff with detailed list of each predator drone’s individual needs

  • Get a few things off his chest in final press conference

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