Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.
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What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone Star Wars film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.

  • Depressing subplot where a once youthful and open-minded Kenobi develops deep-seated prejudices against Jawas and Sand People

  • Finally fills in events taking place between the ‘Kenobi’ Star Wars Expanded Universe novel and 1986 ‘Chewbacca and Friends’ collectible lunchbox

  • Frank Oz not sounding particularly into it

  • Introduction of sleazy realtor character who saddled Obi-Wan with his iconic piece-of-shit hut

  • A special appearance by the original Obi-Wan Kenobi hyphen

  • Obi-Wan Kenobi finally meets Gungan son he conceived while serving tour of duty on Naboo during Trade Federation War

  • Awkward conversation where pupil Luke Skywalker returns to ask for recommendation letter

  • Lightsabers, blasters, and spaceships scrapped in favor of raw, bare-knuckle combat

  • A fleeting but unshakable feeling that this is no longer special

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