Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

  • Q: What is the Dakota Access Pipeline?

    A: A proposed 1,172-mile crude oil pipeline that would carry 470,000 barrels of oil a day to wildlife habitats, Native American cultural sites, and drinking water sources across four different states.

  • Q: Who are the Standing Rock Sioux?

    A: A tribe of Native Americans who foolishly decided to settle in the path of the proposed pipeline centuries ago.

  • Q: Why are people protesting the pipeline’s construction?

    A: Many are fringe activists who actually believe Earth’s environment hasn’t already been destroyed beyond repair.

  • Q: Who are the protesters?

    A: The only obstacle between you and getting gas for $2 a gallon.

  • Q: How long have the protests been going on?

    A: Long enough for you to have learned more about them by now.

  • Q: Who supports construction of the Dakota Access Pipeline?

    A: Oil companies; large corporations; your own unsustainable consumption habits.

  • Q: Couldn’t the pipeline simply be rerouted through another area?

    A: Not without bringing it closer to people who the government actually cares about.

  • Q: What animals can we expect to see covered in oil if the pipeline ruptures into the Missouri River?

    A: Red-throated loons, American badgers, interior terns, and harlequin ducks, just to name a few.

  • Q: Aren’t there alternatives to our continued reliance on fossil fuels?

    A: Nothing that isn’t reliant on the fanciful, futuristic technology of the 1970s.


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