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Politics

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

  • Q: What is the Dakota Access Pipeline?

    A: A proposed 1,172-mile crude oil pipeline that would carry 470,000 barrels of oil a day to wildlife habitats, Native American cultural sites, and drinking water sources across four different states.

  • Q: Who are the Standing Rock Sioux?

    A: A tribe of Native Americans who foolishly decided to settle in the path of the proposed pipeline centuries ago.

  • Q: Why are people protesting the pipeline’s construction?

    A: Many are fringe activists who actually believe Earth’s environment hasn’t already been destroyed beyond repair.

  • Q: Who are the protesters?

    A: The only obstacle between you and getting gas for $2 a gallon.

  • Q: How long have the protests been going on?

    A: Long enough for you to have learned more about them by now.

  • Q: Who supports construction of the Dakota Access Pipeline?

    A: Oil companies; large corporations; your own unsustainable consumption habits.

  • Q: Couldn’t the pipeline simply be rerouted through another area?

    A: Not without bringing it closer to people who the government actually cares about.

  • Q: What animals can we expect to see covered in oil if the pipeline ruptures into the Missouri River?

    A: Red-throated loons, American badgers, interior terns, and harlequin ducks, just to name a few.

  • Q: Aren’t there alternatives to our continued reliance on fossil fuels?

    A: Nothing that isn’t reliant on the fanciful, futuristic technology of the 1970s.

More from this section

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

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