Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally.
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What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

  • Q: What is the Dakota Access Pipeline?

    A: A proposed 1,172-mile crude oil pipeline that would carry 470,000 barrels of oil a day to wildlife habitats, Native American cultural sites, and drinking water sources across four different states.

  • Q: Who are the Standing Rock Sioux?

    A: A tribe of Native Americans who foolishly decided to settle in the path of the proposed pipeline centuries ago.

  • Q: Why are people protesting the pipeline’s construction?

    A: Many are fringe activists who actually believe Earth’s environment hasn’t already been destroyed beyond repair.

  • Q: Who are the protesters?

    A: The only obstacle between you and getting gas for $2 a gallon.

  • Q: How long have the protests been going on?

    A: Long enough for you to have learned more about them by now.

  • Q: Who supports construction of the Dakota Access Pipeline?

    A: Oil companies; large corporations; your own unsustainable consumption habits.

  • Q: Couldn’t the pipeline simply be rerouted through another area?

    A: Not without bringing it closer to people who the government actually cares about.

  • Q: What animals can we expect to see covered in oil if the pipeline ruptures into the Missouri River?

    A: Red-throated loons, American badgers, interior terns, and harlequin ducks, just to name a few.

  • Q: Aren’t there alternatives to our continued reliance on fossil fuels?

    A: Nothing that isn’t reliant on the fanciful, futuristic technology of the 1970s.

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