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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.
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What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

  • Q: What is the Dakota Access Pipeline?

    A: A proposed 1,172-mile crude oil pipeline that would carry 470,000 barrels of oil a day to wildlife habitats, Native American cultural sites, and drinking water sources across four different states.

  • Q: Who are the Standing Rock Sioux?

    A: A tribe of Native Americans who foolishly decided to settle in the path of the proposed pipeline centuries ago.

  • Q: Why are people protesting the pipeline’s construction?

    A: Many are fringe activists who actually believe Earth’s environment hasn’t already been destroyed beyond repair.

  • Q: Who are the protesters?

    A: The only obstacle between you and getting gas for $2 a gallon.

  • Q: How long have the protests been going on?

    A: Long enough for you to have learned more about them by now.

  • Q: Who supports construction of the Dakota Access Pipeline?

    A: Oil companies; large corporations; your own unsustainable consumption habits.

  • Q: Couldn’t the pipeline simply be rerouted through another area?

    A: Not without bringing it closer to people who the government actually cares about.

  • Q: What animals can we expect to see covered in oil if the pipeline ruptures into the Missouri River?

    A: Red-throated loons, American badgers, interior terns, and harlequin ducks, just to name a few.

  • Q: Aren’t there alternatives to our continued reliance on fossil fuels?

    A: Nothing that isn’t reliant on the fanciful, futuristic technology of the 1970s.

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