Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

  • Q: What is the Dakota Access Pipeline?

    A: A proposed 1,172-mile crude oil pipeline that would carry 470,000 barrels of oil a day to wildlife habitats, Native American cultural sites, and drinking water sources across four different states.

  • Q: Who are the Standing Rock Sioux?

    A: A tribe of Native Americans who foolishly decided to settle in the path of the proposed pipeline centuries ago.

  • Q: Why are people protesting the pipeline’s construction?

    A: Many are fringe activists who actually believe Earth’s environment hasn’t already been destroyed beyond repair.

  • Q: Who are the protesters?

    A: The only obstacle between you and getting gas for $2 a gallon.

  • Q: How long have the protests been going on?

    A: Long enough for you to have learned more about them by now.

  • Q: Who supports construction of the Dakota Access Pipeline?

    A: Oil companies; large corporations; your own unsustainable consumption habits.

  • Q: Couldn’t the pipeline simply be rerouted through another area?

    A: Not without bringing it closer to people who the government actually cares about.

  • Q: What animals can we expect to see covered in oil if the pipeline ruptures into the Missouri River?

    A: Red-throated loons, American badgers, interior terns, and harlequin ducks, just to name a few.

  • Q: Aren’t there alternatives to our continued reliance on fossil fuels?

    A: Nothing that isn’t reliant on the fanciful, futuristic technology of the 1970s.

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