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Weird, Area Woman Wasn't Harassed Today

Bewildered paralegal Caitlin Levy says that after returning home from work today, it occurred to her that, oddly, at no point during her day was she harassed, leered at, or made to feel humiliated or physically threatened.

‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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What You Need To Know About Taylor Swift

Taylor Swift has announced the upcoming release of Reputation, her sixth studio album. The Onion answers some of the most common questions about the notorious pop star.

  • Q: Who is Taylor Swift?

    A: Oh, look who’s trying to play it cool.

  • Q: What is the title of her upcoming album?

    A: Sepulcher Of The Mutilated.

  • Q: Who are her main influences?

    A: Shania Twain, Jeff Bezos, and Warren Buffett.

  • Q: How did she get her start as a pop star?

    A: From a very early age, Swift showed a rare passion for acquiring a net worth of $280 million.

  • Q: What is her musical style?

    A: Swift’s brand of pop combines elements of both country and adolescent Tumblr account.

  • Q: How many stretches of Rhode Island coastline has Taylor Swift annexed for her own private use?

    A: One.

  • Q: Is she a feminist?

    A: Swift’s PR team has released multiple public statements confirming that she supports women and is herself a woman.

  • Q: What if I have more questions about Taylor Swift?

    A: Extensive information about every conceivable facet of Swift’s personal life is readily available online.

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