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Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

Along with his consistently poor performance at work and his general lack of common, everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that he can't even do a good job at sleeping.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Trump’s Budget Proposal: What You Need To Know

President Trump has revealed his first budget blueprint, which contains $54 billion in cuts while accommodating increased spending on defense and security. The Onion details the major elements of Trump’s proposed budget:
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What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.

  • Q: What are Trump’s advisors accused of doing?

    A: Violating the Logan Act, which states that American civilians must wait until after they take political office to commit treason.

  • Q: Why did Flynn lie about his phone calls with the Russian ambassador?

    A: The humble general doesn’t like to draw too much attention to his collusion with foreign governments.

  • Q: Is it possible that Flynn really didn’t recall illegally discussing Russian sanctions?

    A: An outspoken advocate of intervention in the Middle East, Flynn is known to have a somewhat short memory.

  • Q: Did Trump know about the contact between his team and Russian intelligence?

    A: All evidence thus far suggests that Trump hasn’t been cognizant of the world outside his head since at least 1993.

  • Q: Didn’t Rex Tillerson receive the Russian Order of Friendship?

    A: We’re talking about a completely different cozy relationship with Putin right now, okay?

  • Q: Are Trump and Putin friends?

    A: Psychologists believe that while sociopaths can seem friendly with one another, they’re unable to form the type of bond required for meaningful relationships.

  • Q: Is this exactly the kind of change Washington needed?

    A: No.

  • Q: What will come out of a congressional probe into this matter?

    A: Nothing a few news cycles can’t bury.

  • Q: Why are so many Republican congressmen reluctant to investigate?

    A: As a matter of professional decorum, they would never dream of impugning a sitting president.

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