Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite

In an effort to cater to customers who have lost the will to live, economy hotel chain Red Roof Inn officially unveiled Thursday its new Suicidal Suite available at each of their locations across the nation.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
End Of Section
  • More News

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.

  • Q: What are Trump’s advisors accused of doing?

    A: Violating the Logan Act, which states that American civilians must wait until after they take political office to commit treason.

  • Q: Why did Flynn lie about his phone calls with the Russian ambassador?

    A: The humble general doesn’t like to draw too much attention to his collusion with foreign governments.

  • Q: Is it possible that Flynn really didn’t recall illegally discussing Russian sanctions?

    A: An outspoken advocate of intervention in the Middle East, Flynn is known to have a somewhat short memory.

  • Q: Did Trump know about the contact between his team and Russian intelligence?

    A: All evidence thus far suggests that Trump hasn’t been cognizant of the world outside his head since at least 1993.

  • Q: Didn’t Rex Tillerson receive the Russian Order of Friendship?

    A: We’re talking about a completely different cozy relationship with Putin right now, okay?

  • Q: Are Trump and Putin friends?

    A: Psychologists believe that while sociopaths can seem friendly with one another, they’re unable to form the type of bond required for meaningful relationships.

  • Q: Is this exactly the kind of change Washington needed?

    A: No.

  • Q: What will come out of a congressional probe into this matter?

    A: Nothing a few news cycles can’t bury.

  • Q: Why are so many Republican congressmen reluctant to investigate?

    A: As a matter of professional decorum, they would never dream of impugning a sitting president.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.