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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

  • 1926

    Noted English author A.A. Milne plagiarizes beloved British children’s book Winston The Proper Plaything For Young Lads

  • 1926-2016

    Eeyore, the introspective donkey, quickly becomes a favorite among readers who are sad pieces of shit that everybody hates

  • 1928

    Critics blast sequel The House At Pooh Corner as a derivative retread that fails to develop Owl and Roo

  • 1956

    Milne passes away before having a chance to witness the full extent of his characters’ commercialized mutation

  • 1961

    Acquisition by Walt Disney Productions the only reason you’ve heard of any of this at all

  • 1985

    Last heffalump dies in captivity

  • 1995

    Parent advocacy groups demand at least one heterosexual character be added to Winnie-the-Pooh’s circle of friends

  • 2003

    Piglet’s Big Movie, despite grossing $63 million worldwide, somehow not remotely the most successful movie to star a pig

  • 2004-2011

    Franchise kept alive exclusively through Aunt Lisa’s sweatshirt collection

  • 2026

    Many children continue to dislike reading

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