‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

  • 1926

    Noted English author A.A. Milne plagiarizes beloved British children’s book Winston The Proper Plaything For Young Lads

  • 1926-2016

    Eeyore, the introspective donkey, quickly becomes a favorite among readers who are sad pieces of shit that everybody hates

  • 1928

    Critics blast sequel The House At Pooh Corner as a derivative retread that fails to develop Owl and Roo

  • 1956

    Milne passes away before having a chance to witness the full extent of his characters’ commercialized mutation

  • 1961

    Acquisition by Walt Disney Productions the only reason you’ve heard of any of this at all

  • 1985

    Last heffalump dies in captivity

  • 1995

    Parent advocacy groups demand at least one heterosexual character be added to Winnie-the-Pooh’s circle of friends

  • 2003

    Piglet’s Big Movie, despite grossing $63 million worldwide, somehow not remotely the most successful movie to star a pig

  • 2004-2011

    Franchise kept alive exclusively through Aunt Lisa’s sweatshirt collection

  • 2026

    Many children continue to dislike reading

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