The Onion provides voters in each state with the facts they need to make an informed decision and several dozen completely uninformed decisions at the ballot box.
Poverty: Alabama has one of the highest poverty rates in the nation, with 18 percent of the population living below the federal poverty line and another 24 percent who seem like they must be.
Richard Shelby vs. Ron Crumpton (U.S. Senate): After serving 30 years in the Senate, Shelby's campaign has argued that he would be a danger to both himself and those around him should he be forced back into society.
Alabama has chosen to opt out of all state rankings for a few years while it figures some stuff out.
Conservation: State officials have repeatedly stressed the importance of conserving Alaska's many species of survivalists, ice-road truckers, loggers, gold miners, fur trappers, and king crab fishermen for future television seasons.
Cold vs. Dark (Misery): All bets are off in this tightly contested race to determine whether it will be the bitter cold or the oppressive darkness that finally pushes 46-year-old Fairbanks resident Dennis Gantry over the edge this winter.
If Alaska was placed on top of the contiguous United States, it would stretch from Florida to California and crush countless millions of Americans to death.
Scorpions: They're everywhere.
John McCain vs. Ann Kirkpatrick (U.S. Senate): McCain faces a tough race despite an inspiring personal story that includes surviving 19 years of torture in the Senate.
The opening of the Grand Canyon created stiff competition for tourism dollars, causing smaller family-owned canyons in the area to close permanently.
Education: Many in Arkansas have called for more public education funding, as the Razorbacks were only 8-5 last year.
John Boozman vs. Conner Eldridge (U.S. Senate): Incumbent Boozman will face off against the former U.S. attorney for the right to not live in Arkansas at least four days a week.
The state was discovered in June 1992 when Bill Clinton played saxophone on The Arsenio Hall Show.
Economy: State leaders have yet to come up with a plan to address the crippling tech industry crash of 2018.
George Clooney vs. George Clooney (Hollywood): Sometimes, when you've risen above everyone else in your field, your only remaining competition is yourself.
Quantum Leap actor Dean Stockwell resides in Los Angeles.
Drugs: Since the legalization of marijuana, Colorado has been forced to deal with a massive surge in tax revenue and an unaffected crime rate.
Mike Coffman vs. Morgan Carroll (U.S. House District 6): Coffman and Carroll are political adversaries fighting for a seat in Congress, while also fighting the raw sexual tension radiating between them in registered voter Armand Greenwell's fan fiction Hot In The Sixth.
Colorado is home to the most Coloradans per capita in the United States.
That One House On The Corner Of Greenwich Avenue And West Elm Street: Oh, it's just awful.
Yea vs. Nay (The Very Important Proposal Mr. Bentley Has Put Before Us Today): After all, gentlemen, the entire future of this organization may be on the line!
The state was originally founded in 1636 by a band of devout insurance salesmen who dreamed of a colony where every man had the freedom to charge whatever premiums he pleased.
Time: Delaware's influence over national politics has steadily dwindled since becoming the first state to ratify the Constitution in 1787.
David Kennedy vs. Sam Moreno (DuPont Board Of Directors): This crucial, hotly contested race is certain to have the most lasting impact on Delaware politics of any election in the state.
Immigration: Every day, hundreds attempt to illegally cross the border between Animal Kingdom and Epcot.
Jeb Bush vs. Steve Hessert (Metropolitan Water Reclamation District Commissioner): The showdown between the incumbent water reclamation commissioner, Hessert, and the former two-term governor of Florida is expected to be tight, although most analysts give the edge to the sitting commissioner.
You will grow old and die in Florida.
Sexual Health: An alarming study found that almost 70 percent of adults in Georgia have had an impure sexual thought in the last year.
Alabaster Downes IV vs. Nathan Holcomb (Suitors): Their competition for the heart of Miss Abigail Saunders has become the talk of all Savannah.
At a collective average of G-sharp above middle C, Georgia residents speak with the highest-pitched voices in the Union.
Spelling: Hawaiian citizens are hopeful the U.S. will finally grant the state full access to all the letters of the alphabet.
Hawksbill Sea Turtle vs. Green Sea Turtle (Extinction): With increasing pollution and human encroachment on their natural habitat, the race is on to see which one of these endangered reptiles will survive come November.
Hawaii is the only state admitted to the Union after we should have known better.
Wrong Shape: There's no denying it—the shape of Idaho is wrong.
Raul Labrador vs. James Piotrowski (U.S. House District 1): Labrador has continued to receive support from rural Idahoans after painting Piotrowski as a snobby, prissy candidate representing elitist Missoula, Montana values.
Sun Valley is a popular resort region whose stark remoteness inspired Ernest Hemingway's most famous self-inflicted shotgun wound.
Political Gridlock: Several honest assemblymen are obstructing the normal corruption process.
Tammy Duckworth vs. Mark Kirk (U.S. Senate): The crucial outcome of this race could determine whether Republicans block legislation with a 53-47 majority or a 52-48 majority.
The infamous St. Valentine's Day Massacre of 1929 is remembered fondly in Illinois as a symbol of a bygone era when just seven people being gunned down in Chicago was considered an unprecedented tragedy.
Gay People Forcing Florists To Make Flower Arrangements For Their Weddings Against Their Will: Legislators are pretty sure this happened once.
Blue vs. Red (Color): What color will Indiana go? When will it turn that color? What will its color look like next to the other colors on the map? Only time will tell.
Gary is the only town in America to have been named after someone's stepdad.
Piracy: Illegal pirated copies of corn sold on the black market cost the state an estimated $600 million annually.
Dave Loebsack vs. Christopher Peters (U.S. House District 2): Campaign aides have been fattening up these premium candidates since last spring in hopes that they can take home the congressional district's coveted blue ribbon.
The renowned University of Iowa Writers' Workshop has produced some of America's most notable and impressive rejection letters.
Abortion: Legislators are considering comprehensive reforms to ensure pregnant teens have easy access to churches in their area.
Jerry Moran vs. Some Poor Fuck (U.S. Senate): Moran, the incumbent Republican in heavily Republican-leaning Kansas, will face off against some poor bastard who apparently decided that he wanted to have the living shit kicked out of him in front of his entire state.
Smith County is the geographical center of the continental United States temporarily, until the nation's coastlines move further inland.
Coal Mining: Residents are still trying to figure out when this industry switched from one they were desperate to help their children escape to one they were desperate to keep in their state.
Rand Paul vs. Jim Gray (U.S. Senate): Incumbent Paul attempts to avoid disappointing his father a second time in the same year.
Due to rationing during World War II, the Kentucky Derby was run with pigs between 1941 and 1945.
Global Warming: Rising sea levels threaten to catalyze the invention of some sort of new boat-trolley hybrid that inebriated tourists will be able to both paddle and drive around New Orleans.
Various Candidates (U.S. Senate): With current officeholder David Vitter retiring at the end of this term, a number of candidates are vying to determine who has the sheer sexual potency necessary to maintain his legacy of infidelity and soliciting prostitutes.
A single unending parade has been meandering through New Orleans' streets since 1876.
Deforestation: Roughly 50,000 acres of Maine woods are harvested annually to become Stephen King's newest manuscript.
Emily Ann Cain vs. Bruce Poliquin (U.S. House District 2): Emily Cain? She's not from Maine. She's from Louisville, Kentucky, a thousand miles away! She's no Mainer! She doesn't know us!
The discovery of the Goddard coin, a Norwegian silver coin dating back to 11th-century Viking explorers, is believed to be evidence of the state's first functioning bed and breakfast.
Reviving Baltimore: The nation's journalists remain at the ready to write a story on the success of the "Baltimore Model" as soon as it's developed.
George W. Bush vs. Al Gore (U.S. President): Once again, no race will have a greater impact on the future than the 2000 presidential race.
Insidious Papist influence first infected our previously pristine Protestant nation when the Diocese of Baltimore was created in 1789.
Environmental Protection: Activists are seeking to protect the fragile coastal ecosystem of Cape Cod, which contains one of the few remaining breeding grounds for the nation's beleaguered Kennedy population.
Eleanor vs. The Sea (Deepest Affections): For Gloucester fisherman Joseph Horner, it remains unclear where his heart truly belongs.
The site of 1770's Boston Massacre is the nation's only memorial to an instance when the authorities gunned down an unarmed black man.
What Might Happen Next: Residents are plagued by the nagging doubt that poisoning thousands of its citizens might not have been the state's rock bottom.
Hillary Clinton vs. Donald Trump (U.S. President): You Michiganders would just fucking love to be a swing state, wouldn't you? Well, guess what? Your state isn't that complicated this year, and you're probably going to go for Hillary Clinton, so get over yourselves.
Detroit is the largest archeological site in the United States and once supported an ancient civilization of over 1 million people.
Minnie: Mrs. Carlson's terrier mix, Minnie, has been missing since Friday! Have you seen her?
Kevin Williamson vs. Time (Love): In an electrifying, down-to-the-wire race, Kevin Williamson of Eden Prairie is racing across the state to stop his ex-girlfriend, Marlene, from marrying the wrong man.
Minnesota is known as the "Land Of 3,612 Lakes That Are Safe To Swim In."
Seceding From The Union: Pretty much always on the table.
Mem Riley vs. Buddy Coggin III (Mayor Of Nettleton): Both are prepared to make strong cases against pornography.
Mississippi has the nation's largest share of those who have almost saved enough money to get out of this town.
What To Do: Between work and waking up the next morning, most Missourians just kind of stand around. The weekends are even worse.
Barack Obama vs. John McCain (U.S. President): Because of a few antiquated provisions in state law, Missouri experiences the United States' presidencies eight years behind all the other states.
An increasing obesity problem is putting considerable stress on the state's southern border with Arkansas.
Public Safety: The many T. rex fossils found in the state raise the disturbing question: What chance do we have to survive?
The Crack Of A Wooden Door Against Its Frame On A Windy Night vs. The Claws Of The Old Grizzly At The Doorstep (The Long Night): Better get the kids in the basement and grab the gun, because either some nasty wind is rattling the front door back and forth, or that demon bear has come back to try to kill again.
The state motto, "Oro y Plata," which is Spanish for "Gold and Silver," recognizes the importance of blue-collar work to the state and of having immigrants do it.
Economy: Nebraska lives in a perpetual state of terror that people will stop liking corn.
Various Candidates (Cullman County School Board): Hundreds of thousands of Americans fighting for democracy apparently lost their lives for Gene Sullins, Heath Albright, and Wayne Myrex to waltz into the Dawson County School Board unopposed.
There are no fun facts about Nebraska.
Fracking: Protestors are hopeful that anti-fracking restrictions will allow Nevada to remain the pristine desert hellscape that God intended it to be.
Bruce Gale vs. Joe Hardy Jr. (District 8, Department 15 Judicial Election): Whoever is chosen here should be fine. Not every race has to have significance.
Joining in 1864, Nevada was the first uninhabitable state admitted to the Union.
Drug Abuse: A statewide opiate epidemic is leading voters to weigh the prospect of making heroin even more illegal.
Steve Marchand vs. Chris Sununu (Governor): The namesake of some future bridge just outside Portsmouth hangs in the balance.
New Hampshire has been known to switch places with Vermont when the rest of the nation isn't looking.
Infrastructure: 34 percent of New Jersey's bridges are no longer structurally sound enough for the state's thousands of homeless people to sleep under.
Donald Norcross vs. Bob Patterson (U.S. House District 1): The Democratic incumbent faces off against a challenger who also swore as a teenager that he'd never stick around in New Jersey this long.
Bridgeton was recently listed by U.S. News as one of the places to live in America.
Illegal Immigration: The scourge of illegal aliens pouring across the Mexican border is more horrifying than any statistical evidence to the contrary.
Hillary Clinton vs. Donald Trump (U.S. President): Trump's repeated alienation of Hispanic voters has mercifully decreased the chance that residents will have to endure Clinton speaking a few words of Spanish in an effort to pander to them.
Before dropping atomic bombs on Japan, the U.S. Army tested the technology by bombing New Mexico, which promptly surrendered.
Unemployment: A downturn in the economy has more and more New Yorkers scrambling to fill the relatively few positions as president of the United States.
Hillary Clinton vs. Donald Trump (U.S. President): The two candidates will face a heated competition for the hearts and minds of their shared insider connections in this state.
New York City was originally settled by Dutch skyscrapers.
Immigration: Anti-immigration groups have argued that Duke University is primarily responsible for the massive flow of fuckwads and dickbags into their state in recent decades.
Pat McCrory vs. Roy Cooper (Governor): The outcome of this heated race could determine whether North Carolina is Virginia-level Southern or Alabama-level Southern.
Despite 10 seasons and multiple TV specials, there was never an episode of Columbo filmed in North Carolina.
Location: The state's residents, businesses, and cultural institutions continue to be severely hampered by their unfavorable location in North Dakota.
Doug Burgum vs. Marvin Nelson (Governor): Who gives a shit? Click on another state.
The official state beverage is a mixture of clear spring water, ammonium bisulfate runoff, formaldehyde, and several heavy metals.
Religious Extremism: Large numbers of Ohioans have expressed unease about domestic cells of religious extremists tilling fields and raising barns near their neighborhoods.
Hillary Clinton vs. Donald Trump (U.S. President): A perennial swing state with a large population of blue-collar voters, Ohio is the kind of place that makes pollster Dave McGrath remember why he got into this business in the first place.
Every Ohioan lives within 150 miles of a better state.
Climate Change: Residents are concerned that violent storms and tornadoes will become more prevalent due to the removal of the Ten Commandments monument from the statehouse.
Death Row Inmate vs. Lethal Injection Chemicals (Oklahoma State Penitentiary): Convicted murderer Leon Alan Rayburn's respiratory and cardiovascular systems are currently locked in a tense and prolonged showdown with an experimental new blend of paralytics and barbiturates.
Oklahoma City became the site of the country's first parking meter in 1935, and shortly thereafter, the site of its first utterance of "Oh, give me a fucking break."
Environment: Some asshole keeps putting their trash out on the curb on the wrong day, and the raccoons are really having a field day in there.
Ron Wyden vs. Mark Callahan (U.S. Senate): Incumbent Wyden faces an uphill battle after stating he's pretty much out of bold ideas.
Oregon is known as the "Jewel of the Pacific Northwest" because no other state was using the name.
Fracking: After betting it all on steel for the entire 20th century, the state is looking ahead to the next industry it can put all its eggs into for several generations.
Pat Toomey vs. Katie McGinty (U.S. Senate): McGinty is running to become the state's first female senator, which, let's be honest, isn't really going to knock anyone's socks off this election season.
After a historic run that saw the signing of the Declaration of Independence, the introduction of the first daily newspaper, and the Battle of Gettysburg, Pennsylvania officially retired from history in 1881.
Nomenclature: State residents are starting to realize that calling a water fountain a "bubbler" is making them look dumb.
Grow By At Least 2,000 Square Miles vs. Stop Being A State (Statehood): The rest of the nation has had enough and decided that Rhode Island needs to stop kidding itself and at least triple in size or just give up this fucking charade and be absorbed into Connecticut already.
White privilege was created in Rhode Island during the first modern game of polo played near Newport in 1876.
Natural Disasters: The frequency of hurricanes and flooding in the state highlights the need to get some stuff worth protecting.
Your Kind vs. Our Kind (Control Of This Country): It's people like you who are ruining this country! We can't afford any more of your crap, or this country's going to go down the drain, plain and simple.
South Carolina was declared a UNESCO cultural heritage site in 1994 due to its diverse array of over 100 varieties of bigotry.
Environment: The South Dakota ecosystem has been devastated in recent years by the introduction of several strains of invasive boulders.
Kristi Noem vs. Paula Hawks (U.S. House At-Large District): These two are competing for control of South Dakota's sole congressional district, which means that it's the big one, baby! For all the marbles! The whole pie! Double or nothing! Winner take all!
There's a good chance you'll never have to go there in your life.
Rain A-Comin': Paw's trick knee done say so.
Gerald Booker vs. Arlene Mays (Murfreesboro School Board): In a true political litmus test, this race is expected to come down to whether residents prefer Booker's platform to ban health education or Mays' platform to ban science education.
Tennessee is known as "The Volunteer State" in recognition of the state's shockingly low-wage jobs.
Jose Martinez: Government officials estimate this 48-year-old Hispanic immigrant has singlehandedly taken 11,000 jobs from local citizens.
Henry Falmouth vs Georgette Banks (Conroe School Board): The two candidates are engaged in a brutal battle over which version of the Bible should be taught in public schools.
Texas has the nation's greatest number of citizens who wish Obama would just try to take their guns.
Alcohol: Lawmakers are in the midst of a heated debate over whether to lower the state's drinking age to 45.
Gary Herbert vs. Michael Weinholtz (Governor): Faced with worsening prescription drug and heroin epidemics, both candidates have promised an additional $40 million in emergency funds for abstinence-only sex education.
Utah is famous for being home to the flattest parking lot in the nation. The Best Buy in Orem is 0.000003⏥
Public Health: Medical experts are advising all Vermont residents to check themselves for ticks once they get home.
Hillary Clinton vs. Donald Trump (U.S. President): Voters in the liberal-leaning state are expected to break heavily towards Clinton while hoping they don't awkwardly run into Bernie Sanders at their polling place.
Montpelier was selected as the state's capital because there was already a statehouse there when settlers arrived.
Environment: Rising global temperatures have made the sand on Virginia Beach next-to-unbearable to sit on.
Special Property Tax Exemption (Ballot Measure): If passed, a new law would create a property tax exemption for spouses of police officers and other emergency workers killed in the line of duty, as well as presumably lead to some pretty elaborate murder-for-hire scenarios.
Virginia peaked the earliest out of all 50 states.
Labor: Following a pay dispute at the station, Roz encourages Frasier to lead a strike, but will his ego get in the way?
Debbie McVey vs. Ronald Starzinski (Benton County Schools): Incumbent McVey will go up against a challenger who must be fucking joking if he thinks he's ready to roll with the big boys on the West Richland School Board.
With an active volcano and the contiguous United States' only rainforest, Washington sounds way cooler than it actually is.
Struggling Meth Industry: Cheaper, purer meth from Kentucky and Ohio continues to cost the state millions yearly.
Good Old Days vs. Simpler Times (Reminiscing): Residents are seeking to determine which era they would like to make a return to.
West Virginia was formed after residents decided to separate from the Confederate-aligned state of Virginia during the Civil War, forever cementing the state's reputation as a beacon of racial tolerance and progressive thought.
Education: Lawmakers are arguing that lifetime jobs in the form of tenure are only for lawmakers.
Politician Who Will Tell You The Truth vs. Politician Who Will Fight For Change (U.S. House District 7): Many voters are still undecided as to whether they will be voting for the politician who's a straight talker or the politician who won't give up until things are better.
Wisconsin is the country's largest producer of indigestion.
The Unknown: Economic crises, ecological disaster, and extreme weather are, in many ways, much less frightening in reality than the possibility that they could occur. Ultimately, the shrouded horizon of the future is more daunting than a calamity here and now.
Liz Cheney vs. Can We Just Take This Opportunity To Say That It's Kind Of Bullshit That Puerto Rico Doesn't Get The Full Voting Power Of States? (U.S. House At-Large District): Fucking Wyoming has more power than Puerto Rico? That's bullshit.
Wyoming is roughly the size of two states about half the size of Wyoming.