No player from either side is allowed past this line

Team probably gets points if it gets ball into this circle

Field has two goal areas, though usually one or fewer is needed

Specially marked diving zone

Players on offense may not touch the ball

Although this Fullback seems to be just standing there, he is actually known as the best just-standing-there-er in the history of the World Cup

In the offense-minded 4-3-3 formation, the Left Winger, deep-lying Forward, and Right Winger are all joined at their midsections by a giant metal rod

A typically cosmopolitan "footballer," who plays professionally for Spain, used to play in Italy, has parents from Brazil, lives in Switzerland, and is representing Australia

This Midfielder was rolling around on the ground in pain for 15 minutes but is now running around all over the place

Referees often spend several minutes deciding if a minor penalty receives a yellow, canary, goldenrod, blond, or marigold card

Game clock, which keeps running at random times for no apparent reason and is summarily ignored by players and officials alike

Kicks from this area are known as "corner kicks" for esoteric and complicated reasons Americans are too coarse and brutish to understand

Ball may be thrown in from this sideline area using the hands, but from there entire sport goes right downhill

A team may have a maximum of five goaltenders on the field at one time

The "Keeper" or "Goaltender" is allowed to dress differently than his teammates, but the other team usually figures out which side he’s on anyway

Player getting a "red card" for causing opposing player to blatantly fake a horrifying shin injury

The Center Forward is assigned the task of running up and down the field to keep himself and his teammates awake

The fans chant incomprehensible lyrics that, if Americans could understand them, would probably result in globe-scouring war

The Goaltender needs to wear special gloves because his hands will burst into flames if skin touches the ball

The Sweeper is called that, we presume, for the same reason damn near everything has some other word for it in Europe

Reaching sizes of up to 90 by 120 meters, the field, or "pitch," is actually larger than that of any other court or field sport in the world, a clear case of overcompensation if there ever was one