In accordance with President Obama’s demands for a modernized no-fly list, the 219-page catalog of names behind each ticketing desk will now be bound and alphabetized.

Instead of broadcasting CNN on the televisions by the gates, passengers in waiting areas will be shown episodes of 24 to get their adrenaline going in case they need to knock down a terrorist.

Newsstands are to begin selling copies of Modern Terrorist and reporting people who pick it up.

Shuttle bus drivers will be trained to expand their interrogation techniques beyond asking where passengers are going and if they have family there.

Millimeter-wave scanners on board will inspect passengers and heat soup.

Deputy air marshals will have power to surreptitiously look over top of newspaper, register disapproval.

Any carry-on luggage that cannot fit in standard basket by gate will have its contents announced over loudspeaker.

Using an ultrasonic frequency imperceptible to the conscious mind, the FAA will broadcast the audiobook of Marley And Me in an effort to subliminally warm would-be terrorists’ hearts.