Drunk Of The Week

Top Headlines

Issue 2416

Cultural Idiocy Quiz

Magazine Mania

DIRECTIONS: Name the magazine in which these features appear:1. “Picks & Pans”2. “Humor In Uniform”3.

Sonic Booms

Out of Sight, Out of MindMDID(Scat)First, MDID is a one-man band that’s been recording since 1985.

Saturday Morning Live Is A Comedic Masterpiece!

There are ulterior motives hidden behind many of the articles you read in today’s media. For example, if Time magazine runs a glowing review of a movie being released on Warner Bros., the revenue generated by the article’s influence goes to Time-Warner, In...

Professor To Publish Book

“It will have pages,” Say Sources

Professor Theodore L. Chaptman, a well-known professor at the university, announced that he will be publishing a book.The book, on the same subject that he teaches in his popular class at the university, will reportedly have several hundred pages.

Friction Must Be Eliminated!

Toward a Purer Physics

If there is a Satan, fellow travellers on this hurtling ball of cosmic mud, it is friction. If there is one insidious force robbing our daily toil of its intended efficiency, it is friction.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.


  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Drunk Of The Week


Alcohol is EVIL! Congratulations to The Onion’s DRUNK of the WEEK: MITCH MELUM

Mitch earned his place among Madison’s most honored drunks by head-butting an innocent Onion Operative. Way to use your head, Mitch! All the same, if you ever attack one of us again, rest assured you’ll feel the full wrath of our legal team’s mastery of personal-injury law.

Onion Operatives will be out at bar time to pick a new Drunk of the Week. Featured drunks receive a certifiate, two bucks, and a pizza from Falbo Bros. The Onion offiially discourages the despicable practice of drinking alcohol.